a remarkable concurrence of events~ Coincidence

She is late and apologizes. She tells us that she wasn't going to come but last minute she decided she needed to. She brings zuchinni bread for us to break over coffee. As she starts to share a piece of her story, my heart begins to race. She reminds the other ladies how long she said no. They all shake their heads remembering. She reiterates how after she came to terms with it and said "YES!!" Others said NO. She questioned herself. The Holy Spirit and God. She thought maybe she had made it up. That it really wasn't laid on her heart . She wrestled for a time. She laid it at God's feet and He changed hearts. There is some humming... I realize it had come from me.  {sounded a little too familiar}.

As I share a bit of my past we realize there is someone else in the room with a very similar story...

Our sweetest hostess recommends writing a verse, a book or thought that is on our mind. Then we are to stick it in a bowl. When we leave we just grab one out of the bowl. I left with the one pictured above. John 15:16

Shit!! That's all that runs through my mind when things like his happen. {I hope I don't grieve the Holy Spirit}

#GodSizedDreams

This piece of the Word is exactly what I had been studying the other night. The other night after a crying out to God. "Don't make me. I can't do it. I am not equipped." The same night I was sent this in my instant message from a dear friend. She said she felt she needed to send this to me.

So, I took a deep breath and said yes. I open the Word and continue to plan the women's study. I am told there are no coincidences only God laying plans. Things coming together. God using community, people to be Him.

I am told that "if people want to know what God is like, they can look at Jesus.If they want to know what Jesus is like, they should be able to look at his followers"~ Max Lucado

Philippians 2:1-18 shows me what this should look like. I am reminded of not so long ago my epiphany of a Titus 2 woman {that should be me}

No coincidences. Just a foundation being laid. A plot being twisted. The author writing His story on our hearts. A story that needs to be shared. Because that is how He is shared.

My God is relentless. No.He is faithful to answering prayer. A caring Father. He doesn't leave me hanging. He takes me through His word to show the importance of Community and then reminds me again the following Sunday in Church.



His answer to prayer makes my jaw drop, drool left dripping of my lips.

There are no coincidences only Angel's working in our mist. God building on a foundation. Weaving thoughts, words, people, experiences into a beautiful story. All to His glory.

Currently... {The UNdone edition}

Currently… June was a whirlwind and now July is coming to an end.  

 I started #UNdone after having a major melt down. My weight was out of control. My emotions were out of control. My heart was out of control. I had to stop and listen and come #UNdone in a lot of areas of my life. I had to say NO to many things; relationships, commitments, foods, habits and arguments. 

I had to say YES to some brave new things; traveling with my two MountainBoys and the dog {without MountainMan} as well as traveling all by myself to Los Angles to meet the Mountainman for a couple of days. I drove and strolled the LA streets by MYSELF. This was huge for me.

Saying YES to the MountainMan leaving the country for an extended period of time. YES to the MountainBoys goingto Bible Camp for 3 weeks.  

And YES to my nephew going back to Salt Lake, after planning on adopting him. That heartbreak seems so far away and yet it feels so fresh in my chest. He said good bye and took a piece of my heart with him. Ultimately it was his choice.  

Currently Pondering... Neighboring and Community

Currently Reading… Just Courage ~Gary A Haugen, He Chose the Nails ~Max Lucado , Dr. A's Habits of Health, Beyond Boundaries ~ Dr John Townsend, Speak ~Nish Weiseth

Currently loving… This season of parenting. Our boys are growing. Physically {mustaches, muscles and height} In skills { hunting, driving, shopping for the best deals, budgeting their own money} Spiritually {they talk of God. Each conversation seasoned in salt. They have had 3 weeks of Bible Camp. One week for Leadership, One week with their peers and One week where they were Camp Counselors; our boys... camp counselors} Character {they talk about the under dog, the hopeless and how they can help. They talk about respecting women and marriage. I see them put their thoughts and words into action as I watch them interact with their peers and leaders.}  

Currently waiting for... {This is the same as last time I wrote. However, while chewing on the Word it hit me a little different. Maybe God is waiting on me to say YES} God. Waiting has taught me that just because I have not moved yet. Or the prayers I utter every night have not been answered… yet. Does not mean that God doesn't like me. OR that he doesn't answer my prayers like he does everybody else. It doesn't mean that I don’t have enough faith or that I waver too much. He is not waiting to pounce on me and make me pay for all my past sins. He is just waiting, probably on me. I am biting my nails trying to be patient, knowing that what he has in store is more than what I could ask for. 

 Currently excited about... This new page that seems to be turning for MountainMan

Currently missing... MountainMan. I am really excited for this new chapter for him. He is able to use his God given skills. It is paying off for him. He is getting recognition and new opportunities. He is traveling to amazing places and meeting incredible people. It also means he is gone 2-3 weeks out of a month. I miss him.  

Currently trying... to embrace this new chapter for me as well. MountainMan being gone. MountainBoys new found freedom's has me thinking... what do I do with this time. 

Currently working at... relationship and boundaries again...

Currently enjoying... the sunshine. It feels like the days are already getting shorter

Currently using... all the new samples I get each month in my Birchbox!! I love all of the face exfoliates and fragrances. I am even trying new trends like "bright lips" 

Currently wearing... some new perfume I purchased. Kenneth Cole WHITE. It reminds me of a perfume I use to wear called MACKIE. Except this is a bit lighter. 

Currently planning... our next home. I don't know where it will be. It doesn't stop me from planning. By planning I mean Pinning...

Currently needing... Community. We all need it. We were made for community. It's how we grow. When we let others reach inside of us and change us. When others allow us to reach inside of them and change them. God is glorified. God is seen in tangible ways. We are healed, encouraged, called out and metamorphosis takes place. Community is our cocoon.  

Currently learning... that EVERYTHING I do effects someone. That decisions that people around me make effects me as well. Do they understand that? Do they care? Am I using this knowledge to encourage or discourage? What about those around me? Are they intentionally encouraging me or discouraging me? 

Currently listening to... the hush of a box fan

Currently wishing... for too much to put on paper. It's time to put one foot in front of the other instead of just wishing 

Currently doing... a Women's Bible study curriculum. I  am putting it together for this fall. I am hoping to launch a women's discipleship program at our current church. 

Currently praying for... the MountainMan and his safe return. MountainMan boys and their continued growth. Grace Women's Ministry. Marriages that are hurting and being torn apart. Sick to be healed. Eye's to be opened. 

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 What are you currently up to?

The Invalid {Get up and take your Mat}

Yesterday, I am yapping with her, you know the BFF. I am telling her how there is a new birthing center that is opening here in my town. I whine "Dang it! I should have finished. I should have just got my certification with DONA" I tell her that I don't know this has happened to me. I didn't use to give up. I am a fighter and I usually finish everything I start. I am usually bloody and bruised by the end." She sighs and  states, "hmm... hmm... hmm.. that's interesting." My words left her dumb founded too.

*****
It was one of those moments that gets you pondering.   Lately (the last three years) I give up. If it starts to get hard I take it as a sign that I should be done. That maybe this isn't God's will for me. I chewed on this lie for the rest of the day and well into the night.

This morning as I began my praying, marking and reading out of John 5 it hit me. I am an invalid. I have been injured, bruised. and had the rug pulled out from beneath me.All that I thought was success was a lie and God showed me that.

Yet, this bruising has left me afraid. Afraid to move. Make big decisions. OR Finish what I start.

Afraid I am not in His will... Therefore I will fail

This is where my heart gets strangled. I have agreed with a lie that Satan has placed in my ear.

*****

The truth is Jesus saw me rolling around in my muck and He came to me. He released me from the yuck and the stuff. He brought me to this cocoon and has changed me. I need to stop laying here making excuses and listen to the fact that Jesus said "Get up! Take your mat and walk." Be brave and trust that I am in Gods will.

Truth or Dare

Adam and Eve hid in the Garden. Ashamed of what they had done. Hiding in secret…

It starts off with a conversation about hiding food from one another. It eeerks me to no end. I hate hiding food. It. Is. So. Stupid. Yet, this family does it often. Maybe because we have three growing teenage boys. Maybe because we live on the mountain and I will forget to pick it up next time I am in town. Maybe it’s because we all get greedy at times and want the best for our selves. All that aside, things done in secret piss me off.

Number one rule for loss of trust. Do something in secret. Then let the cat out of the bag…

Some of the worst hurts are done in secret. Gossip. Adultery. Thievery.

We hide it away. Hoping no one will find out.

If you can’t do it out in the open… what makes it honest?  

In my book, life should be lived out loud. Honest. Not kept in the dark. Behind doors. Hidden in the underwear drawer. Pretzel M&M’s will go stale in there..

When we hide our morsels and after the stank has risen. Trust is lost. Hurt is 10 times worse.

Let’s avoid it. Let’s Communicate. Tell the Stuff. Hear the Stuff. Listen to the Stuff. It matters. To the heart.

Life is best shared. In fact life isn’t life unless it’s shared. That means we will get hurt. Our favorite stuff will be consumed by others. Our food. Our stories. Our money. Our homes.  I don’t think it should be any other way.

I dare you. To tell the truth.

Luke 12:2

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

Want to see what else God says about secrets?

Ecclesiastes12:14, Matthew 10:26-28, 12:36-37  Ephesians 4:25, 4:29 Romans 2:16

Adullam and prayerfully considering Un-Friending some people

Guys, I feel the deep creeping in. I use to think it was dark, I was scared of it.  Now I realize it a spot of growth for me. It’s a time to reflect and hole up. The key is emerging.

David did it. Hole up I mean. In a cave, Adullam. He was seeking refuge.  It was a time of reflection. He was asking God questions, lamenting.  Time in the cave strengthened him, restored him and encouraged him. He eventually emerged, stronger with unbreakable faith. His time prepared him to withstand what was around the bend.

My time in the hole:

I am taking time to reflect on How God is with me. He sees me, He knows my every thought. I trust Him to work through these questions.

I am trusting that He defends me.  At this moment I don’t have the strength, the wisdom or words to fight right now. This is unusual for me. I am a fighter by nature. This time in the hole, I am waiting on God to act.

Right now in the hole, I am prayerfully considering boundaries. Where to draw them and how too lovingly (even to myself) use them.

God has a purpose for the hole. I will trust in it. I promise I won’t be here long.

I like this quote my friend put on Facebook this week.

  "If someone tracks mud into your beautiful home night after night, forgiving him means the next time he knocks, you go to the door. But if he is still muddy and still willing to track it in, don't let him in. There has been no repentance, thus there can be no reconciliation. Only repentance (taking off his muddy shoes in respect of your home) can result in an invitation to come in. Forgiveness is simply the willingness to keep going to the door in hopes that true repentance may have occurred."
-John Bishop

Here’s is to the hole, healing and no more tracking mud on my carpet. {please picture a large cup of coffee swirled with the delicious Samoa's Girl Scout flavored Coffee creamer. Samoa cookie in the other hand}

Inevitably Random

Today. I was alone. For hours. By myself. It was just what I needed. I cooked and cleaned and sang my heart out to old country. Don Williams. Johnny Cash. Dolly Parton. It was bliss. That’s all about that.

My thoughts have really been turning to the inevitable lately. Like Death and aging and change. It’s all inevitable.

Parents. Spouses. Friends. Pets. Relationships. Hopes. Goals. Die. It’s so ugly and harsh and true.

I watched on Facebook this week as a friend mourned the recent death of her father. She posted she felt numb. I wanted to tell her “it all gets better.” Yet, I remember that feeling. Numb. Almost three years later, when I think of Daddy. I smile. Yet, there is still this numb. It’s like… have you ever had surgery and the surgeon cuts a nerve? They put it back together. It heals.  It is never really the same. When you touch it, it’s still numb with a little bit of feeling. It’s the weirdest feeling. That’s how I describe this numb. Life has been severed. Gone. The BEing slowly gets put back together. Yet, it’s never the same. It’s numb. When you rub the old wound, there is feeling and yet no feeling. Yeah, that’s how I feel about death right now. It strikes a numb nerve. It’s inevitable. That’s all about that.

This week I ate really well. I went to the gym. I used the weights. However, getting old is inevitable. Those pants won’t fit the same. Baggy eyes in the morning after crying, is inevitable. Larger thighs and hanging stomach fat. All of it, inevitable. I am getting old and will continue to do so.  That’s all about that. because. well .TMI

I realized I am years away from being an empty nester. Year’s people. Not a decade or close to two decades. YEARS!!  I could cry crocodile tears but I cried them all out last night. The oldest turned 16. How? When did this happen? He is growing into an incredible man. I am literally shaking my head as I type this. Disbelief that he is my child. I mean I have screwed up!! More than I would like to admit. I have yelled. I have been selfish. Wait. I don’t want to admit anymore.  Yet, maybe that is the key. I admit it to them when I screw up. So, I have apologized more than I would like to admit. I have had to swallow the bitter pill of pride. These kids. They grew me up!! What will I do when they are not here, under my roof? That’s all about that… for now

Here are some other things that are inevitable. Sunday is Bunday for me. It just is. I can’t for the life of me do my hair on Sunday mornings. When my heart is ugly and I am emotional, MountainMan will make me go on a walk. In the dark. And I get grumpy. In turn it is inevitable that I then step into a cold stream and the Fword will fly from my lips like butter. BUTTER I tell you. It’s Inevitable. 

It’s inevitable that mud will be on my floor within seconds of mopping. Because no one around here knows how to take off their shoes or wipe their feet {including me}. Inevitable. 

More inevitable you ask. Hurt. People hurt us. Church people hurt us. Family people hurt us. Friend people hurt us. Children hurt us. Spouse people hurt us. They just do. They suck. They break promises. Tell your secrets. Cheat on you. Steal things away from you. Yell at you. Call you names. Forget about you. Remind you that you might NEVER EVER be enough. Become addicted to things that take them away from you. Tell you they will do something and then do the opposite. They hurt us. Life hurts us. Goals aren't met. Dreams are broken. Plot changes happen. They do!! It’s called life. THE great adventure. It’s inevitable. Life and people suck. Thank you SIN!!

NOTE TO SELF:

One more inevitable? You will die. One day YOU will stand before your Maker. So stop being everyone else Holy Spirit. a.n.d. wear yoga pants. get a tattoo. pierce your septum. loose the weight. eat healthier. go back to school. say your sorry. tell her she is beautiful. tell him he is amazing. let them be kids. say yes more often. say no more often. tell that kid what to do because crying out loud YOU are the parent.  For the LOVE people. LOVE PEOPLE!! LOVE yourself. 

You want more? Jesus. Inevitable. He died for US!! All of us UGLY Nasty Selfish LYING abusive sinners. Phew!! Thank you LORD. That your inevitable sacrifice saved me from an inevitable fate of living apart from you. That would be Hell. Thank you for inevitably standing by me. Never leaving me when I tried to leave you. For telling me that you live. You love. You will always be there for me. My God you were. My God you are. My God you will always be. Inevitably.

stay.

one month yesterday.

knee bouncing slowed.

eye contact made.

boundaries crossed.

forgiveness gave.

life has changed.

honesty protruding.

truth has been told.

the enemy is brooding.

love wins.

my prayer.

God, make him stay.

How to Tuck Your Crazy Back In

The sun is going down and he reminds me that there isn't much more time to play, "time is running out aunty." I tell him 10 more minutes. This goes against my gut. It's been a long day. He has had to worry about things that are not his to worry about. He has asked questions that I do not have answers to. He knows this is not home, yet he makes the most of it.  I can tell by the way he is talking and walking that he is tired. He is mad. He isn't ready to go home in the  morning. He is adamant about this.

I see it coming. He is running down hill in flip flops, with trucks in hand. "He won't be able to catch himself", I mumble under my sigh. I yell "slow down buddy."

It's but seconds later and his crazy is unleashed. He has fallen. No blood. Just a bump. Being a mother to boys, you only worry when they are bleeding profusely. There is no controlling his thrashing and screaming. I hold him. I whisper he will be okay. He doesn't want to listen. He wants to do it himself. He wants to run around and throw his car. He wants to scream and throw him self down. I let him for a minute. Then he runs back to me and ask me to hold him. I do. He cries and whimpers. The sun has gone down.

We put him in the warm tub and wash the dirt from the day off. I remind him he is safe here. He is loved. He smiles through his weary eyes. We dry, lavish on the lotion and dress. We pray. We read the Jesus Storybook Bible  where we learn "That this God-Man was like no one they had ever met. When they looked at Jesus, their hearts filled up with wonderful, forever sort of happiness..." He points to Jesus. He kissed my cheek. He asks for one more story. Then he falls asleep. 

In the morning the sun has rose. The soul has had rest. Somehow we know that we can do hard things today. 

That's just it. My crazy comes flying out when I am tired. When I have not taken the time to just pray. Read. Listen. Instead I push for more. More time. More to do's. More reading. More. More. More. I remind myself of shoulda, coulda, woulda instead of just resting. Realizing my limit has been reached. 

There are questions that can't be answered right now. There are things I can't fix. However, I can slow down. I can let go of things in my hands that are not needed. They may be fun, but right now... I need my sanity. Before I fall and can't be caught, even though I have been warned.

When I am not listening. I throw myself down. I run away from my Great God. I want to do it myself. 

Then I run right back and ask Him to hold me. He does. He reminds me. I am not meant to do it all. Just to be obedient each day. Listening each day.   

I can love those right beside me. I can reach out to those that mean so much to me and stop procrastinating. 

So, I go to the Lord each night. Repentant. Washing away the days dirt. He lavishes me in His grace. I give thanks. I read His Word and am reminded that His Word is just as alive to me as it was thousands of years ago. This God-Man *sigh* is like no one I have ever met.

I rest. In the morning. There is sunshine. I am reminded, I can do hard things.     

The time I let go of "Picture Perfect"

Last year we bought a new to us travel trailer. I knew when we pulled up, this would be the one that the MountainMan would take home. I liked it too. Except it had pink decor. If you have known me for very long, you will know pink is not my favorite color.  The bones were good and I love to renew old things. I was excited to take the project on. Winter came. The trailer has set and nothing has been updated
.




A few weeks ago we were invited to go to Moab. The prideful diva in me wanted to redo the trailer right away. I planned it out. Figured I had enough time to get it all done.

One evening while talking to the couple we would be camping with, she said some things to me that opened my eyes. Like, it's camping. It's going to get dirty. It's about making memories. I mulled over this thought for a while.

I purchased some grey fabric spray. Sprayed the pink squares. Called it good. This is huge for me. No new curtains. No new flooring. No new throw pillows. No painted walls. I called it good.

Can I tell  you how amazing it was to let go of the perfection? I wasn't grumpy because things were not how I pictured they should be. I wasn't stressed about everything being just so. I was relieved. There was room to just breathe. Relax and enjoy our time.

If I had held on to trying to make everything LOOK perfect. I would have missed out on the simple beauty all around me.

We had the most amazing time. It was perfect. Memories were made. Conversations were had. Adventure was lived.

------------------------

What about you? Ever let go of your expectations and it turns out better then you could have ever planned?