Inevitably Random

Today. I was alone. For hours. By myself. It was just what I needed. I cooked and cleaned and sang my heart out to old country. Don Williams. Johnny Cash. Dolly Parton. It was bliss. That’s all about that.

My thoughts have really been turning to the inevitable lately. Like Death and aging and change. It’s all inevitable.

Parents. Spouses. Friends. Pets. Relationships. Hopes. Goals. Die. It’s so ugly and harsh and true.

I watched on Facebook this week as a friend mourned the recent death of her father. She posted she felt numb. I wanted to tell her “it all gets better.” Yet, I remember that feeling. Numb. Almost three years later, when I think of Daddy. I smile. Yet, there is still this numb. It’s like… have you ever had surgery and the surgeon cuts a nerve? They put it back together. It heals.  It is never really the same. When you touch it, it’s still numb with a little bit of feeling. It’s the weirdest feeling. That’s how I describe this numb. Life has been severed. Gone. The BEing slowly gets put back together. Yet, it’s never the same. It’s numb. When you rub the old wound, there is feeling and yet no feeling. Yeah, that’s how I feel about death right now. It strikes a numb nerve. It’s inevitable. That’s all about that.

This week I ate really well. I went to the gym. I used the weights. However, getting old is inevitable. Those pants won’t fit the same. Baggy eyes in the morning after crying, is inevitable. Larger thighs and hanging stomach fat. All of it, inevitable. I am getting old and will continue to do so.  That’s all about that. because. well .TMI

I realized I am years away from being an empty nester. Year’s people. Not a decade or close to two decades. YEARS!!  I could cry crocodile tears but I cried them all out last night. The oldest turned 16. How? When did this happen? He is growing into an incredible man. I am literally shaking my head as I type this. Disbelief that he is my child. I mean I have screwed up!! More than I would like to admit. I have yelled. I have been selfish. Wait. I don’t want to admit anymore.  Yet, maybe that is the key. I admit it to them when I screw up. So, I have apologized more than I would like to admit. I have had to swallow the bitter pill of pride. These kids. They grew me up!! What will I do when they are not here, under my roof? That’s all about that… for now

Here are some other things that are inevitable. Sunday is Bunday for me. It just is. I can’t for the life of me do my hair on Sunday mornings. When my heart is ugly and I am emotional, MountainMan will make me go on a walk. In the dark. And I get grumpy. In turn it is inevitable that I then step into a cold stream and the Fword will fly from my lips like butter. BUTTER I tell you. It’s Inevitable. 

It’s inevitable that mud will be on my floor within seconds of mopping. Because no one around here knows how to take off their shoes or wipe their feet {including me}. Inevitable. 

More inevitable you ask. Hurt. People hurt us. Church people hurt us. Family people hurt us. Friend people hurt us. Children hurt us. Spouse people hurt us. They just do. They suck. They break promises. Tell your secrets. Cheat on you. Steal things away from you. Yell at you. Call you names. Forget about you. Remind you that you might NEVER EVER be enough. Become addicted to things that take them away from you. Tell you they will do something and then do the opposite. They hurt us. Life hurts us. Goals aren't met. Dreams are broken. Plot changes happen. They do!! It’s called life. THE great adventure. It’s inevitable. Life and people suck. Thank you SIN!!

NOTE TO SELF:

One more inevitable? You will die. One day YOU will stand before your Maker. So stop being everyone else Holy Spirit. a.n.d. wear yoga pants. get a tattoo. pierce your septum. loose the weight. eat healthier. go back to school. say your sorry. tell her she is beautiful. tell him he is amazing. let them be kids. say yes more often. say no more often. tell that kid what to do because crying out loud YOU are the parent.  For the LOVE people. LOVE PEOPLE!! LOVE yourself. 

You want more? Jesus. Inevitable. He died for US!! All of us UGLY Nasty Selfish LYING abusive sinners. Phew!! Thank you LORD. That your inevitable sacrifice saved me from an inevitable fate of living apart from you. That would be Hell. Thank you for inevitably standing by me. Never leaving me when I tried to leave you. For telling me that you live. You love. You will always be there for me. My God you were. My God you are. My God you will always be. Inevitably.

Where are you Lobster?

Dear Lobster,

I waited. I am still waiting. Where are you?

I remember the first time we locked hands. You in a small incubator. Me standing on the outside. I remember your dimples. I remember ...

Remember when we were inseparable. Remember our late night giggles. You tickle my back and I tickle yours. Most of the time we only had each other.

Remember "hawaiian princess". Remember Barbies. Remember bike rides and dinner at 6:00. Remember camping trips and go cart racing.

Remember the trip to Vegas. Remember pulling the needle out of her arm. Remember staying up all night to make sure she was breathing.

Those hauntings. Are they what made you chose the road you have? You are braver than me. The stories you have to tell.

I use to think I could save you. Change you. I use to think I knew it all. I know better now.

I want you to know that I believe in you. I love you. I miss you.  I have no idea what is good or bad for you. I am not a judge, just a witness to your life. I will leave that up to God. I know you gave Him your life. I trust you are in good  hands.

Thank you for letting me be part of that miraculous birth. Thank you for letting me love on your boys. Thank you for letting me come to "the class". Thank you for the drives. Thank you for the talks. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for staying the night. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your heart.

I pray you come back. I see your smile. Hear your voice.

New day. New choices.

Until then. I am thinking of you.

Love, Sissy