stay.

one month yesterday.

knee bouncing slowed.

eye contact made.

boundaries crossed.

forgiveness gave.

life has changed.

honesty protruding.

truth has been told.

the enemy is brooding.

love wins.

my prayer.

God, make him stay.

Believing God is Always Better than Sitting in your Fears

I relish in this time of year.  Something about the heavy snow that falls and fire that rumbles from the stove. It quiets my soul.

Yesterday was our churches annual Prayer and Praise service. I look forward to this all year. It’s a time where people from our local body give praise to God for the way He has moved in their lives. Stories of how God comforted, healed and was present. How God was Faithful and how He has provided. Reminders of how God is in control.  Our God, he is good and merciful. HE is trustworthy.

Later in the evening was a pie social and we decorated for Christmas. The MountainBoys hung lights and played elbow tag with some of their guy friends.

In the distance sat a group of girls. By the end of the night they had mustered the courage to ask for the MountainBoys numbers. There was laughing and flushed cheeks as everyone exchanged text messages and left for home. Five minutes into the drive up the mountain, I heard the sound of a text message notification in the back seat.

This unexpected turn of events at the Pie Social had me terrified.

I thought back to the young teenage girl I use to be. I was desperate for LOVE. Always, looking for it anywhere I could find it. Could it be found in the hand of a young teenage boy? Maybe I could find it in the backseat of his car. If I let him kiss me, then surely he LOVED me. If I let it go a little further then he could never leave me. Could he? AND they did. EVERY TIME. The self-destructive cycle continued for most of my teenage years.

I believe it was the prayers of my friends and their parents that turned things around for me.

By God’s grace I met MountainMan, a good man from the beginning. Respectful and caring.  He never asked me for anything in exchange. It took many dates before he held my hand or kissed me.

These thoughts while driving the canyon left me desperate for God. Praying specifically for these girls that were now texting my MountainBoys.

I am praying for myself as well. I ache to be a good mother. When time calls I long to be a good mother-in- law as well. Whether my son dates a girl for a short time or makes her his wife. I want to make sure I am loving her. Right where she is at. Trusting that God is all powerful. Letting the Spirit do its work. Because I am flawed and at times cannot see past skin or sin. God can.

Believing God is better than sitting in my fear. If I don’t trust in God, step out of the boat and rest my foot on the Water. I risk ruining people. Girls. My boys. My future family. So, I take a deep breath and do it differently than woman in my past. I rest in God. I trust Him with my boys hearts, minds and souls. I continue to be reminded they are not my possessions. They are God’s.

I will choose to LOVE these girls. I will let these experiences grow friendships. AND I will pray fiercely to God that he will bring peace, gratitude, provision and LOVE into the middle of my fears.  

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What about you? Were you terrified when the possibility of dating arrived with your kiddos? Give me your advice. I need it!!

Sisters in Christ

Sitting at a baby shower she pulls me close. I want to be her when I am 80 and so I lean in and listen. She said she was reading a few years back some statistics about the Christian Bride. She says "there are three main reasons that young people from the ages of 18-39 are leaving the church in groves. That means large quantities" she says.

"They are leaving because 1. Hypocrisy. Christians don't DO what they say the believe. They tell everyone else to do it, they hold everyone else to the standards. 2. Exclusivity. We say everyone belongs. Then we scoff when someone different walks through the doors. 3. Relationships. We are missing real relationships. Do we really care? Why do we offer our opinions and rebuke people when we don't have a relationship with them?"

" Misty" she says "what can you and I do about that today?"

I ask myself this every morning since.

It's those people God places in our lives.

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Folks. What can you and I do about this?

Let It Slip Through My Hands

My prayer lately. "God if it's not meant to be. If it's a distraction. Let it slip though my hands."

Since this has been my prayer. Things have been slipping through my fingers. I try to grasp and claw at somethings. Yet, they slip. They crash to the floor like broken china. There is nothing I can do to catch them. So, I am letting go.

Can I tell you that this has come with a HUGE relief?

Once these things are gone... I no longer want for them. That's the phenomenal thing. It's gone and I am not wishing for them to return.

How to Tuck Your Crazy Back In

The sun is going down and he reminds me that there isn't much more time to play, "time is running out aunty." I tell him 10 more minutes. This goes against my gut. It's been a long day. He has had to worry about things that are not his to worry about. He has asked questions that I do not have answers to. He knows this is not home, yet he makes the most of it.  I can tell by the way he is talking and walking that he is tired. He is mad. He isn't ready to go home in the  morning. He is adamant about this.

I see it coming. He is running down hill in flip flops, with trucks in hand. "He won't be able to catch himself", I mumble under my sigh. I yell "slow down buddy."

It's but seconds later and his crazy is unleashed. He has fallen. No blood. Just a bump. Being a mother to boys, you only worry when they are bleeding profusely. There is no controlling his thrashing and screaming. I hold him. I whisper he will be okay. He doesn't want to listen. He wants to do it himself. He wants to run around and throw his car. He wants to scream and throw him self down. I let him for a minute. Then he runs back to me and ask me to hold him. I do. He cries and whimpers. The sun has gone down.

We put him in the warm tub and wash the dirt from the day off. I remind him he is safe here. He is loved. He smiles through his weary eyes. We dry, lavish on the lotion and dress. We pray. We read the Jesus Storybook Bible  where we learn "That this God-Man was like no one they had ever met. When they looked at Jesus, their hearts filled up with wonderful, forever sort of happiness..." He points to Jesus. He kissed my cheek. He asks for one more story. Then he falls asleep. 

In the morning the sun has rose. The soul has had rest. Somehow we know that we can do hard things today. 

That's just it. My crazy comes flying out when I am tired. When I have not taken the time to just pray. Read. Listen. Instead I push for more. More time. More to do's. More reading. More. More. More. I remind myself of shoulda, coulda, woulda instead of just resting. Realizing my limit has been reached. 

There are questions that can't be answered right now. There are things I can't fix. However, I can slow down. I can let go of things in my hands that are not needed. They may be fun, but right now... I need my sanity. Before I fall and can't be caught, even though I have been warned.

When I am not listening. I throw myself down. I run away from my Great God. I want to do it myself. 

Then I run right back and ask Him to hold me. He does. He reminds me. I am not meant to do it all. Just to be obedient each day. Listening each day.   

I can love those right beside me. I can reach out to those that mean so much to me and stop procrastinating. 

So, I go to the Lord each night. Repentant. Washing away the days dirt. He lavishes me in His grace. I give thanks. I read His Word and am reminded that His Word is just as alive to me as it was thousands of years ago. This God-Man *sigh* is like no one I have ever met.

I rest. In the morning. There is sunshine. I am reminded, I can do hard things.     

Currently... Dreaming of a new year

The hustle and bustle of Christmas is over, a fresh New Year has begun... I thought it would be the perfect time for a "Currently" post.  This is just a quick snapshot of what has been going on around here and just where my heart is. {BTW the word for the year. BRAVE}

Currently loving... Quiet Time. Winter Break. Sundance Boots. Parties with seasoned friends . Unexpected phone calls from across the world. 
Currently reading... Romans. The In-Between by Jeff Goins. Some stuff on Tourette Syndrome. The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer. Just finished this, I have needed that for a while.  

Currently waiting for...A phone call. {Where is she?} The next big step. Direction.  Answered prayer.

Currently excited about... The New Year. Our new church. A fresh chapter.

Currently missing...the Weber's

Currently trying... to be in the moment. Breath deep. Jump. Take a leap of Faith.


Currently working at... relationships... and being a better wife. friend. mother. daughter. sister

{Beautiful gift we received from The Dunn Family}

Currently enjoying... coffee in the morning. Talks about the future and goals. 

Currently using...lots of mental energy. I am stressed about finding a building for Kairos. The school for Teen Mom's.

Currently wearing... sweat pants and Ugg boots. Baby it's cold outside.  

Currently planning...2014.  A fresh endeavor.

Currently singing... Thriftshop. {Thanks Mountainboy!!}

Currently needing... A massage. A change of environment. A good run outside on level pavement. A prayer warrior to pray with me. A cup of coffee with a friend. A crisp new outlook on life. 

Currently learning... life is tougher then I expected. Boundaries. How to set them. How to accept others boundaries. Faith.

{The ONLY picture I got when we went snowboarding. Of course MountainMan's eyes are closed}

. 

Currently listening to... Caro Emerald on Pandora. The Mountainboys learning all the new apps they downloaded in the background.

Currently wishing...  That this "dark" would leave. That I had all the answers. Flight tickets to Accra.

Currently doing...year end financials.  

Currently praying for... faith. That my fear of God will out way my fear of man. 

Currently dreaming of... a brighter future. Freedom in my life that allows HIM to do more then my eyes could see, ears can hear and my mind can conceive. {1 Corin. 2:9}

What are you currently up to?

Where are you Lobster?

Dear Lobster,

I waited. I am still waiting. Where are you?

I remember the first time we locked hands. You in a small incubator. Me standing on the outside. I remember your dimples. I remember ...

Remember when we were inseparable. Remember our late night giggles. You tickle my back and I tickle yours. Most of the time we only had each other.

Remember "hawaiian princess". Remember Barbies. Remember bike rides and dinner at 6:00. Remember camping trips and go cart racing.

Remember the trip to Vegas. Remember pulling the needle out of her arm. Remember staying up all night to make sure she was breathing.

Those hauntings. Are they what made you chose the road you have? You are braver than me. The stories you have to tell.

I use to think I could save you. Change you. I use to think I knew it all. I know better now.

I want you to know that I believe in you. I love you. I miss you.  I have no idea what is good or bad for you. I am not a judge, just a witness to your life. I will leave that up to God. I know you gave Him your life. I trust you are in good  hands.

Thank you for letting me be part of that miraculous birth. Thank you for letting me love on your boys. Thank you for letting me come to "the class". Thank you for the drives. Thank you for the talks. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for staying the night. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your heart.

I pray you come back. I see your smile. Hear your voice.

New day. New choices.

Until then. I am thinking of you.

Love, Sissy

{{PAUSE}}

You know it's going to be "a day" when you start out rubbing acne medicine all over your eyelid.Ouch!!!

Things like this happen when I am not in the present. When I wake up with too much on my mind.

Things like. " I need to find a building for this school" {any philanthropist out there that wants to donate a large sum of money for a school for teen mother's} " How am I going to shower with out power?"  "What am I doing, does it count?" "I miss her. I miss him" " "What is she up to?" "Why hasn't she called me?" " Do I have everything I need to start this day?" " How many day's until Christmas?" "What is today?" "Where is my to do list?"
 I know you all wake up with the same sorts of thoughts. So, much on our minds. Especially around the holidays.

These are the times I get stuck. I wish it was in the now. It's in the past and in the future. Then the dark settles in. The anxiety.

My soul is craving a selah. I need to just hang for a bit. I need to lift my God in praise. I need to take a breath. Repent. I need to give thanks for HIS love. abundance. sustenance. I need to kneel down. Lie flat. Stop. Pause. and think about that.

I find it hard. I want to move on. Shift forward. Go. {it's my word for 2014}. 

For now I need to pause. I am not sure how.


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Too much on your plate? Need a pause? How do you do it? What goes and what stays? Where and How do you find time to rest? Is it really rest I am seeking?

Lock and Key {6 things I know for sure about relationships}

Just for kicks I have been studying 1 Corinthians. Funny how God intertwines all sorts of  materials to whisper his will for you. How the Spirit convicts in so many different ways. I am learning about relationships. Boundaries. Forgiveness. Selflessness.

{SOURCE}

 I have had a really challenging relationship {call it a thorn in my side}. It seems no matter how hard I have tried in this relationship; Forgiven. Forgotten. Communicated. Served. Sacrificed. Yelled. Slandered. Plotted. Given up. Prayed. Ignored. Repented. Begged. Tried to live in peace for pete's sake. Nothing has worked. I have sought professional counseling for this relationship. Other relationships have been damaged because of this disunion. Hearts hurt. All because this other person and I can not seem to get along. I really can't tell you where it went wrong. I can't pinpoint the problem. Maybe that's what drives me so crazy.

A much as I have begged God to heal this relationship; immediately. It doesn't happen. I read recently that if God is not changing your situation, maybe he is trying to change your heart. I believe that is what he is doing. I have been pushed in ways no other situation could. For that, I am grateful.

This tough relationship has taught me thefollowing:

• Forgiveness is not forgetfulness: To forgive is to not wish harm on others. You are not out there seeking revenge on your own. You decide to release your feelings of resentment and vengeance. God promises to fight for you. Revenge is his. Romans 12:19. Forgiveness is not glossing over the problem and forgetting that it ever happened..

Forgiveness is a process

•  Be kind and Do good. How you make others feel says a lot about you. Period. Your. Words.{written or spoken} Make a difference. Your .Smile. Makes a difference. If you know what it feels like to be treated rudely. To not be greeted. To be treated like you don't even exist. Then I pray that you also know what it feels like to be indulged and accommodated. To know how it feels to have someone reach down in your weary soul and make it live. Be that person. Give without hesitation.  I don't want to ever make some one feel like they are not worth kindness. I have realized that those that are unkind, need my kindness most.  

• Succeed and Build. Don't stop accomplishing your dreams. Keep succeeding. Whatever you are doing, do it to the best of your ability. Don't let the nastiness, intended harm and hatred from someone else stop you. You have to continue doing what God wants you to do. EVERYDAY. Be obedient.  What they do will be brought to light. In the mean time. If my "enemy" needs something. I will be there to give it. If they were thirsty, I would give them something to drink. Glorify God.

 Haters gonna Hate Proverbs 9:8.

• BE HONEST:There is never any need for slander, gossip or back biting. This is just proof of character flaws. There is no need to go around and try to win others to "your side". Let your character speak for itself. That means no gossip. no slander. no back biting. 

But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, MALICE, SLANDER,and obscene talk from your mouth Colossians 3:8

• BE HAPPY AND LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE:Don't play the victim card. Listen you are not responsible for people.  However you are responsible to people. Happiness is your responsibility. Your attitude. feelings. beliefs. behavior. choices. values. limits. talents. thoughts. desires.LOVE. is your responsibility. At the end of my life I will stand before my God. Responsible for me. Did I use what God gave me to the best of my ability? OR Did I hide it under rancid bitterness?

•  ABOVE ALL ELSE GUARD YOUR HEART.Instead of walls and fortresses around my heart ,I choose to have a gate. I will guard it. I hold the lock. I hold the key. Let those in that are kind. Loving. Want the best for you. Give yourself permission to give less of yourself to those who are less then loving. Give yourself permission to release toxic relationships. The emotional attachments that you make determines the course of your life. Choose LOVE.

So if you find yourself in a tough relationship.  Let me encourage you to let it refine you not define you. Smooth your rough edges away and let God shine through you. 

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How about you? Have you ever had a challenging relationship? Has it healed? What brought the healing? This will be a miracle from GOD {isn't it always?}. I pray this is His will. 

Jehovah Rophi. I call to you for healing in this relationship.God, help me to know when to pursue and when to back down. Help me to know when to forgive, when to give up my bitterness. Let me know when to speak and when to listen. Let me know when to open up and when to guard myself. God, I give you this relationship. Heal it in your time. Let us learn from it, what you want us to learn from it. Help me to love well. Reflect you well. Forgive me  for my ugly part in this bad relationship. Thank you for your conviction. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Twisted Sister

Twisted for His Glory. Gut wrenching change that twists and turns. All for His Glory. It starts with a little pain. Then it grows. Doors start to open. Other's close. People walk in, others walk out. 

Sometimes it starts with a conversation. Recently, it started with my feelings being hurt. She said I wasn't doing it right. It wasn't to her liking. It rubbed me wrong. I am not old, but I have had enough life to know that when it hurts, it's okay. There is change a coming. 

I try to lean into it. See what it is He wants me to see. This time He wanted me to see that there are other ways of doing it. That no matter my intention, HE uses it for HIS Glory. 

 Frightening, how things just start falling into place. Books recommended from strange sources. Conversations over heard. Words spoke directly at me. HIS Word, that said something so different this time. A heart wrenching phone call. A silent coffee with a friend. Prayer answered. that. I. doubted. when I muttered the words "Please God save her". And the plot twists in an unexpected turn. He used me.

I realize I am such an Israelite. Moses at best. Lord, not me. I can't do it. I run away. Push into the World. Spend how I want. My time. My money. Spew my black heart. Let my lips vomit what ever anger may rise. Doubt and fear. I hide. I am quiet. But they have prayed and I am made for such a time as this.

HE doesn't let this go on for long. HE pulls me back. AND I twist. My gut wrenches. My knees break. My heart sweats. My soul sways to HIS harmony. HIS woo. HIS mercy. HE never let me go.

I screw up. I say dumb things. I numb my mind. I judge to quickly. I say NO more times then I say Yes. He forgives and keeps moving me into HIS direction. To follow HIS plan. Because I serve a sovereign God. ONE I can trust. I know this is not the end. A new chapter awaits. I am ready for it I am have been prepped by the Almighty.

Twisted for HIS glory. Painful. Yet, so beautiful when HE is done.




----------->>>> What about you? Ever feel the gut wrench? Do you lean into it or do you run away? Do you have a verse you cling to? Do you trust HIM or yourself?

Ack! I could have a melt down

Okay. So, I am not usually one for complaining. OR am I? who knows anymore. What I do know is... I am on the brink of a major melt down. OR Change. OR something. I feel it in my bones. I thought I had it all together until I was KICKED OUT of a closing this afternoon. Let's just say that is a first for me. Never. I repeat NEVER been kicked out of anything before. Not dance. When I was a mere kid and I could not keep the beat for the life of me. Not out of a classroom, for being unruly.  Not out of a bar in my wild and crazy 20's.  Not EVER. I am sure my client thinks I am a total nut job. The way I remember it. I was upset. Wanted to know why I didn't get  a decent courtesy call telling me the documents had not showed up yet. After the closing was put off this morning because of some freak accident that closed down the title company. Then for some reason the doc's never showed up. Then I drove 45 minutes to reach the title company all the while finding out my mother took a taxi home from the hospital because she could not wait for me and my CraZy job that is so very unpredictable. I know. I know. That was a run on sentence and had a million grammatical errors.  I learned all about that today while HOMESCHOOLING our two punks! Yep, that's right. Life isn't crazy enough, WE are homeschooling our children. Anyway I digress. Next thing I know the owner of GT Title services in Salt Lake City , Utah is in my face. While I sit on a couch he is leaning over me gritting his teeth and asking why he didn't get a courtesy call. Then I am  being shown the door. Seriously. Could life get  any more... WAIT. I take that back. I don't ask that anymore. God will show me just how fouled up it can get. Pause. Please. While I swallow a large amount of  The Show, Malbec style. I need it tonight.


Lately, I am not sure if I am up or down. All I know is, I am crying and laughing and screaming and then or than whichever; spilling diesel fuel all over our brand new pergo flooring. Causing us that much more drama just to move to The Ranch. Come. on. already. Months of planning. remodeling. painting. getting rid of stuff. and now this. You say "poor baby. There are worse thing".  Don'tcha  know I know this already. AND there is SO much more to this story. Like my mother being admitted to ICU for pnemonia right after my father's death. AND the crazy relationship she is in. AND being executor of my father's stuff. But not really, because he never wrote it down. And more family drama then I could even dare to share.

 Still I have not forgot the things God placed on my heart before he took my father. I think that is where I struggle as well. What to do with this sick, self centered  world. I try to do the right thing. I teach my children to do the right thing AND I keep getting screwed. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of being the one that says I am sorry. I am tired of being the peacemaker. I am tired of wondering just what God want's from me. Give me strength God. Cause I don't have it. Give me comfort because this bottle isn't providing it. Show me what you want from me.Because you know I  will do it. Just please. I beg you be evident. Cause, I am just not sure anymore. I need you to show me what it is you want from me. And for some crazy reason you call me into the mission field. Please! I pray, this blog post doesn't effect some visionary, world wide, gospel spreading ministry from accepting me because well, I am just too BROKEN!!