a remarkable concurrence of events~ Coincidence

She is late and apologizes. She tells us that she wasn't going to come but last minute she decided she needed to. She brings zuchinni bread for us to break over coffee. As she starts to share a piece of her story, my heart begins to race. She reminds the other ladies how long she said no. They all shake their heads remembering. She reiterates how after she came to terms with it and said "YES!!" Others said NO. She questioned herself. The Holy Spirit and God. She thought maybe she had made it up. That it really wasn't laid on her heart . She wrestled for a time. She laid it at God's feet and He changed hearts. There is some humming... I realize it had come from me.  {sounded a little too familiar}.

As I share a bit of my past we realize there is someone else in the room with a very similar story...

Our sweetest hostess recommends writing a verse, a book or thought that is on our mind. Then we are to stick it in a bowl. When we leave we just grab one out of the bowl. I left with the one pictured above. John 15:16

Shit!! That's all that runs through my mind when things like his happen. {I hope I don't grieve the Holy Spirit}

#GodSizedDreams

This piece of the Word is exactly what I had been studying the other night. The other night after a crying out to God. "Don't make me. I can't do it. I am not equipped." The same night I was sent this in my instant message from a dear friend. She said she felt she needed to send this to me.

So, I took a deep breath and said yes. I open the Word and continue to plan the women's study. I am told there are no coincidences only God laying plans. Things coming together. God using community, people to be Him.

I am told that "if people want to know what God is like, they can look at Jesus.If they want to know what Jesus is like, they should be able to look at his followers"~ Max Lucado

Philippians 2:1-18 shows me what this should look like. I am reminded of not so long ago my epiphany of a Titus 2 woman {that should be me}

No coincidences. Just a foundation being laid. A plot being twisted. The author writing His story on our hearts. A story that needs to be shared. Because that is how He is shared.

My God is relentless. No.He is faithful to answering prayer. A caring Father. He doesn't leave me hanging. He takes me through His word to show the importance of Community and then reminds me again the following Sunday in Church.



His answer to prayer makes my jaw drop, drool left dripping of my lips.

There are no coincidences only Angel's working in our mist. God building on a foundation. Weaving thoughts, words, people, experiences into a beautiful story. All to His glory.

Coming Undone

At about 1:00 everyone is made very aware Momma is coming undone. The ferocious sweeping. The banging of cupboards.  Lysol being sprayed here and there. Bar keeper’s friends is now Momma’s best friend. The boys leave to try out the new bow. This is the best decision they may have made all day.

*******

I have come Undone. I. Have. Had. It.  Angry beyond all get up that I am still here, dealing with the man upstairs {literally the man upstairs, not God} The beloved dog, Jack ,will be put down in just a few hours. His life no longer around, his bark no longer taunting us.  The boy that is mine, but not really mine, will be leaving in a few days. Off to do his thing. I know “his thing” is up to no good.  Lobster is off on another one of her bad choice adventures. Leaving the rest of us to put the pieces back together. One MountainBoy is STILL schooling {will he finish before the end of the school year?} another is SO loud I can barely think {or worry in my case}.

The text sends me over the edge. How could I even want to be associated with this, these people? This turn of events that affected everyone over a year ago is still brewing. Little by little, more is told. I can’t take it. I am DONE.

When I say DONE. I mean DONE. It hits me like a tidal wave, “I have a lot of poison in my life right now.” Poisonous thoughts floating around my head. Poisonous People I keep around in my FaceBook feed, on blog posts, in my phone, in my house. Poisonous food I keep putting in my mouth.

What else is there to do but purge? I throw it out. The food. The people. I start Undoing. Unfriending. Unfollowing. 

OUT! I scream. I am DONE. I hope you imagine a sweaty, dirty fool running around like a crazed woman. Throwing out garbage and swinging around vinegar based cleaners. She has done this before. Last time she realized the poison was in her cleaners and her stuff. She got rid of it.  Today she purges more.

By 3:30 I am calm. I have had it out with God. The boys have come back. The vet is ready to arrive any minute. It is then the truth really hits me. It’s FEAR. That’s my poison. FEAR. I have been covering my fear with my anger, my withdrawal and I am sad to admit it, my drinking. In my clutches of trying to control everything I have completely shut God out. Instead of turning and seeking a solution I have exacerbated the problems. I have allowed once again for anxiety to dominate my life.  My joy is sapped. My days are numb. I am petrified and paralyzed by my insecurities.

That’s the purge that needs to be done. I have to purge my fear.

You see this life is risky. Love is scary. There is no sure return on anything.  I choose to be forgiving I could have others not forgive me. I choose to be kind others may not be ask kind. My dreams may fall from the sky. Death is surely around the corner. However, I am told not to fear. “So don’t be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows.” Matt 10:31 NCV

I have a Savior who asks the good questions and provides the good answers “Why are you frightened? Why are your hearts filled with doubt?” Luke 24:38 NLT  Jesus said “Arise, and do not be afraid.” Matt 17:7

Today I will embolden my heart with a few Jesus statements about not being afraid. Because you know when we get rid of something… we always replace it. It’s up to us what we replace it with.

FEAR or Faith

DONE with Fear. I am UNafraid. 

Truth or Dare

Adam and Eve hid in the Garden. Ashamed of what they had done. Hiding in secret…

It starts off with a conversation about hiding food from one another. It eeerks me to no end. I hate hiding food. It. Is. So. Stupid. Yet, this family does it often. Maybe because we have three growing teenage boys. Maybe because we live on the mountain and I will forget to pick it up next time I am in town. Maybe it’s because we all get greedy at times and want the best for our selves. All that aside, things done in secret piss me off.

Number one rule for loss of trust. Do something in secret. Then let the cat out of the bag…

Some of the worst hurts are done in secret. Gossip. Adultery. Thievery.

We hide it away. Hoping no one will find out.

If you can’t do it out in the open… what makes it honest?  

In my book, life should be lived out loud. Honest. Not kept in the dark. Behind doors. Hidden in the underwear drawer. Pretzel M&M’s will go stale in there..

When we hide our morsels and after the stank has risen. Trust is lost. Hurt is 10 times worse.

Let’s avoid it. Let’s Communicate. Tell the Stuff. Hear the Stuff. Listen to the Stuff. It matters. To the heart.

Life is best shared. In fact life isn’t life unless it’s shared. That means we will get hurt. Our favorite stuff will be consumed by others. Our food. Our stories. Our money. Our homes.  I don’t think it should be any other way.

I dare you. To tell the truth.

Luke 12:2

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

Want to see what else God says about secrets?

Ecclesiastes12:14, Matthew 10:26-28, 12:36-37  Ephesians 4:25, 4:29 Romans 2:16

Inevitably Random

Today. I was alone. For hours. By myself. It was just what I needed. I cooked and cleaned and sang my heart out to old country. Don Williams. Johnny Cash. Dolly Parton. It was bliss. That’s all about that.

My thoughts have really been turning to the inevitable lately. Like Death and aging and change. It’s all inevitable.

Parents. Spouses. Friends. Pets. Relationships. Hopes. Goals. Die. It’s so ugly and harsh and true.

I watched on Facebook this week as a friend mourned the recent death of her father. She posted she felt numb. I wanted to tell her “it all gets better.” Yet, I remember that feeling. Numb. Almost three years later, when I think of Daddy. I smile. Yet, there is still this numb. It’s like… have you ever had surgery and the surgeon cuts a nerve? They put it back together. It heals.  It is never really the same. When you touch it, it’s still numb with a little bit of feeling. It’s the weirdest feeling. That’s how I describe this numb. Life has been severed. Gone. The BEing slowly gets put back together. Yet, it’s never the same. It’s numb. When you rub the old wound, there is feeling and yet no feeling. Yeah, that’s how I feel about death right now. It strikes a numb nerve. It’s inevitable. That’s all about that.

This week I ate really well. I went to the gym. I used the weights. However, getting old is inevitable. Those pants won’t fit the same. Baggy eyes in the morning after crying, is inevitable. Larger thighs and hanging stomach fat. All of it, inevitable. I am getting old and will continue to do so.  That’s all about that. because. well .TMI

I realized I am years away from being an empty nester. Year’s people. Not a decade or close to two decades. YEARS!!  I could cry crocodile tears but I cried them all out last night. The oldest turned 16. How? When did this happen? He is growing into an incredible man. I am literally shaking my head as I type this. Disbelief that he is my child. I mean I have screwed up!! More than I would like to admit. I have yelled. I have been selfish. Wait. I don’t want to admit anymore.  Yet, maybe that is the key. I admit it to them when I screw up. So, I have apologized more than I would like to admit. I have had to swallow the bitter pill of pride. These kids. They grew me up!! What will I do when they are not here, under my roof? That’s all about that… for now

Here are some other things that are inevitable. Sunday is Bunday for me. It just is. I can’t for the life of me do my hair on Sunday mornings. When my heart is ugly and I am emotional, MountainMan will make me go on a walk. In the dark. And I get grumpy. In turn it is inevitable that I then step into a cold stream and the Fword will fly from my lips like butter. BUTTER I tell you. It’s Inevitable. 

It’s inevitable that mud will be on my floor within seconds of mopping. Because no one around here knows how to take off their shoes or wipe their feet {including me}. Inevitable. 

More inevitable you ask. Hurt. People hurt us. Church people hurt us. Family people hurt us. Friend people hurt us. Children hurt us. Spouse people hurt us. They just do. They suck. They break promises. Tell your secrets. Cheat on you. Steal things away from you. Yell at you. Call you names. Forget about you. Remind you that you might NEVER EVER be enough. Become addicted to things that take them away from you. Tell you they will do something and then do the opposite. They hurt us. Life hurts us. Goals aren't met. Dreams are broken. Plot changes happen. They do!! It’s called life. THE great adventure. It’s inevitable. Life and people suck. Thank you SIN!!

NOTE TO SELF:

One more inevitable? You will die. One day YOU will stand before your Maker. So stop being everyone else Holy Spirit. a.n.d. wear yoga pants. get a tattoo. pierce your septum. loose the weight. eat healthier. go back to school. say your sorry. tell her she is beautiful. tell him he is amazing. let them be kids. say yes more often. say no more often. tell that kid what to do because crying out loud YOU are the parent.  For the LOVE people. LOVE PEOPLE!! LOVE yourself. 

You want more? Jesus. Inevitable. He died for US!! All of us UGLY Nasty Selfish LYING abusive sinners. Phew!! Thank you LORD. That your inevitable sacrifice saved me from an inevitable fate of living apart from you. That would be Hell. Thank you for inevitably standing by me. Never leaving me when I tried to leave you. For telling me that you live. You love. You will always be there for me. My God you were. My God you are. My God you will always be. Inevitably.

Believing God is Always Better than Sitting in your Fears

I relish in this time of year.  Something about the heavy snow that falls and fire that rumbles from the stove. It quiets my soul.

Yesterday was our churches annual Prayer and Praise service. I look forward to this all year. It’s a time where people from our local body give praise to God for the way He has moved in their lives. Stories of how God comforted, healed and was present. How God was Faithful and how He has provided. Reminders of how God is in control.  Our God, he is good and merciful. HE is trustworthy.

Later in the evening was a pie social and we decorated for Christmas. The MountainBoys hung lights and played elbow tag with some of their guy friends.

In the distance sat a group of girls. By the end of the night they had mustered the courage to ask for the MountainBoys numbers. There was laughing and flushed cheeks as everyone exchanged text messages and left for home. Five minutes into the drive up the mountain, I heard the sound of a text message notification in the back seat.

This unexpected turn of events at the Pie Social had me terrified.

I thought back to the young teenage girl I use to be. I was desperate for LOVE. Always, looking for it anywhere I could find it. Could it be found in the hand of a young teenage boy? Maybe I could find it in the backseat of his car. If I let him kiss me, then surely he LOVED me. If I let it go a little further then he could never leave me. Could he? AND they did. EVERY TIME. The self-destructive cycle continued for most of my teenage years.

I believe it was the prayers of my friends and their parents that turned things around for me.

By God’s grace I met MountainMan, a good man from the beginning. Respectful and caring.  He never asked me for anything in exchange. It took many dates before he held my hand or kissed me.

These thoughts while driving the canyon left me desperate for God. Praying specifically for these girls that were now texting my MountainBoys.

I am praying for myself as well. I ache to be a good mother. When time calls I long to be a good mother-in- law as well. Whether my son dates a girl for a short time or makes her his wife. I want to make sure I am loving her. Right where she is at. Trusting that God is all powerful. Letting the Spirit do its work. Because I am flawed and at times cannot see past skin or sin. God can.

Believing God is better than sitting in my fear. If I don’t trust in God, step out of the boat and rest my foot on the Water. I risk ruining people. Girls. My boys. My future family. So, I take a deep breath and do it differently than woman in my past. I rest in God. I trust Him with my boys hearts, minds and souls. I continue to be reminded they are not my possessions. They are God’s.

I will choose to LOVE these girls. I will let these experiences grow friendships. AND I will pray fiercely to God that he will bring peace, gratitude, provision and LOVE into the middle of my fears.  

----------------------------------------

What about you? Were you terrified when the possibility of dating arrived with your kiddos? Give me your advice. I need it!!