Coming Undone

At about 1:00 everyone is made very aware Momma is coming undone. The ferocious sweeping. The banging of cupboards.  Lysol being sprayed here and there. Bar keeper’s friends is now Momma’s best friend. The boys leave to try out the new bow. This is the best decision they may have made all day.

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I have come Undone. I. Have. Had. It.  Angry beyond all get up that I am still here, dealing with the man upstairs {literally the man upstairs, not God} The beloved dog, Jack ,will be put down in just a few hours. His life no longer around, his bark no longer taunting us.  The boy that is mine, but not really mine, will be leaving in a few days. Off to do his thing. I know “his thing” is up to no good.  Lobster is off on another one of her bad choice adventures. Leaving the rest of us to put the pieces back together. One MountainBoy is STILL schooling {will he finish before the end of the school year?} another is SO loud I can barely think {or worry in my case}.

The text sends me over the edge. How could I even want to be associated with this, these people? This turn of events that affected everyone over a year ago is still brewing. Little by little, more is told. I can’t take it. I am DONE.

When I say DONE. I mean DONE. It hits me like a tidal wave, “I have a lot of poison in my life right now.” Poisonous thoughts floating around my head. Poisonous People I keep around in my FaceBook feed, on blog posts, in my phone, in my house. Poisonous food I keep putting in my mouth.

What else is there to do but purge? I throw it out. The food. The people. I start Undoing. Unfriending. Unfollowing. 

OUT! I scream. I am DONE. I hope you imagine a sweaty, dirty fool running around like a crazed woman. Throwing out garbage and swinging around vinegar based cleaners. She has done this before. Last time she realized the poison was in her cleaners and her stuff. She got rid of it.  Today she purges more.

By 3:30 I am calm. I have had it out with God. The boys have come back. The vet is ready to arrive any minute. It is then the truth really hits me. It’s FEAR. That’s my poison. FEAR. I have been covering my fear with my anger, my withdrawal and I am sad to admit it, my drinking. In my clutches of trying to control everything I have completely shut God out. Instead of turning and seeking a solution I have exacerbated the problems. I have allowed once again for anxiety to dominate my life.  My joy is sapped. My days are numb. I am petrified and paralyzed by my insecurities.

That’s the purge that needs to be done. I have to purge my fear.

You see this life is risky. Love is scary. There is no sure return on anything.  I choose to be forgiving I could have others not forgive me. I choose to be kind others may not be ask kind. My dreams may fall from the sky. Death is surely around the corner. However, I am told not to fear. “So don’t be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows.” Matt 10:31 NCV

I have a Savior who asks the good questions and provides the good answers “Why are you frightened? Why are your hearts filled with doubt?” Luke 24:38 NLT  Jesus said “Arise, and do not be afraid.” Matt 17:7

Today I will embolden my heart with a few Jesus statements about not being afraid. Because you know when we get rid of something… we always replace it. It’s up to us what we replace it with.

FEAR or Faith

DONE with Fear. I am UNafraid. 

Different yet equal {just some thoughts}

Are Men and Women Equal? Yesterday I read and posted a great post about Feminism VS A Strong Woman in God. Next I started a new study by Kay Arthur titled A Marriage Without Regrets {it's free for right now}. This great debate of Women's Equality has got my thinking. Here are some of those thoughts. 

Men and Women are in fact created equal. Please take a look at the beginning of the Bible. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Open your Bible to the VERY FIRST page and read vs 26-28 of this great Chapter.  VS 26 says “Let us make THEM in our image, in our likeness. And THEY will rule over the earth.” There is no mention of two MEN at this time. However, we see in vs 27 that God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male AND female {that’s the THEM} VS28 God blessed THEM and said to THEM “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. RULE over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” THEM. THEY rule over. Not just Adam!!!

God created us BOTH for the purpose of bringing honor and glory and power to Him {Revelation 4:11}. He wanted to create both of us. Man and Woman.

Although we were both created for the same purpose, we were created differently. Jeff doesn’t like to get all dressed up in a pretty dress or spend hours on make-up tutorials. I don’t lose sleep over planning bow hunts and I don’t doze off praying about digging holes J We are different. Yet, equal. Created Equal for one purpose. When we together are working towards that purpose it is a beautiful thing.

Here is the plot twist. Although created equal woman was created as a helper. {Genesis 2:20b) Doesn’t that just feel right women? Don’t you like to help? Even if you are not married or have children of your own, don’t you want to help? I know you do. It is a God given want. I posted this week about other women who needed our help and you stepped up. You gave from what you had, you helped. You crushed the evil with your helping!

Read a little further and you see that Eve was created from Adam’s rib. Think about that. EVERY creature was created from the dirt but WOMAN!! W{women} were created from man’s rib. Flesh of his flesh. Bone of his bone.

Woman created from Man. “Man gives life to the woman. Woman gives life to the world!!” To give God Glory, we give life to the world.

Man is the Glory of God. Women are the glory of man. BOTH images of God. Equal yet different. Each role carrying exclusive privileges and yet not one superior over the other. In this world we need each other. Not one independent from the other. (1 Corinthians 11:11)

Here is where the plot turns for me,1 Corinthians 11:3 Maybe you can help me hash this out. How can this be? Now I know “head” does not mean control or supremacy rather source of. SO since man was created first he derives {obtains} his existence from Christ and I derive {obtain} my existence from man? Yes, maybe in the beginning. Do I derive {obtain} my existence from man now? That just doesn’t seem right. Shouldn’t I also derive {obtain} my existence from Christ as well? What about single women? How about women going through a divorce from a man who I would not derive my existence from? What about the widow? Tell me your thoughts. 

The Wall { Life the Endurance Race}

I have been on the Mountain for what seems to be a long time, I am tired. The temptation to return to the city is is high. If I hear one more word of discouragement and criticism I am going to blow. I am almost to the end of this part of the race. I just told God the other day I wanted to finish well. I am doing good, staying content, letting the words and set backs roll off my shoulders. Yet,  Satan has been firing arrows and they have really started to hurt. They are tearing me a part.

I try to remember he has no defense, I on the other hand do.

Then I hit a Wall.

In this Endurance Race we call Life we sometimes hit Walls. This week I hit a BIG one. I called it quits. I was done. I was relying on my own strength. At the end I was left tired and empty.

My mind was made up to quit. The thing about quitting is that it makes me sad, I will miss out. Miss out on what could have been. Miss out on the reward for all of the work already put in. At the moment though it seemed to be the easiest thing to do.

The wall is a real thing. In a running sense when you hit the wall your body runs out of carbs and hydration. The body wants to stop. In a spirit sense the wall is when you run out your own ability. Everything in you wants to stop. You guys. I was there. I was ready to quit a race that had brought me so much joy.

God was faithful... AGAIN! Just when I was through. I got a call from a friend. I had a long conversation with a woman I trust. I prayed with my sister from another mister. I got a post on my wall telling me I have been a blessing to someone I look up to. Then I talked to MountainMan till wee hours in the morning.

I assume this is how Moses felt on the Mountain. Tired with nothing left to give. Then God sent Aaron and Hur. They held him up so he could win the battle. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to my Aaron's and Hur's. I love you more then word's can express.

House of Lies

I have a tendency to think I have no enemies. That I would never have a rival. That it’s just in my head. That my growing up makes me defensive. The truth is. I do have an enemy. I also have rivals. They do and say things on purpose to hurt me.

These years of looking in the right mirror has begun to show me truths about myself. In times when I am hurt I still find it hard to remember them. In the beginning I have a love for people. When they hurt me and they will, because they are sinners, just like me. I throw up walls. Quick. This defense mechanism, while trying to protect myself can be self-hurting as well.

I start to think in my head about all the things I am terrible at. I begin to hurt myself. The drunk monkey runs loose. It wreaks havoc in my head. She runs around and screams terrible things. “You are so ugly, inside and out. You are a terrible person. You are a hypocrite. God could never love someone like you. It’s your entire fault. Jeff is going to see what an ugly person you are eventually and he is going to leave. You are going to be alone and your children are going to hate you. You are going to be alone. You are ugly, Misty. You will never change. You are incompetent. Try as hard as you want it will never work out. You are stuck and will be for life. Stupid girl.”  I start to believe her. I can hear the carnival music in the back. The sinister lies swirling and circling. I can’t make it stop.

 If I could just get a glance at myself. If I could just remind myself of whom I really am.  I search for a mirror. A friend, Facebook, my children, the mirror in the bathroom, the clothes in my closet, my home. I start to stare at these distorted mirrors. Some make me look fat and short. Some make me look long and thin. Some show my best features. Some distort the legs of this journey. Some make the Body look disgusting. I lose hope. Some of the mirrors falsely make me feel like a super woman, I can do it all on my own. Day after day I keep running to these mirrors. Oh the house of mirrors. This world…

It’s not long before the fears start creeping in. The persona I have to keep up. The smiles I fake, the fakeup I paint on. The smile so large and the rosy cheeks. If I keep it up for too long my heart turns black and my teeth start to sharpen. The words that spill from tongue are ugly and poison. I want others to feel the same way. I draw them near and push them away at the same time. Look into my face. I give you gifts, which will soon pop. Reach for it, stretch for me. Tell me you love me.  These gifts I give you will fade. Look deep into my eyes and you will see these faces I paint on are just lies. I have become a clown in this world.

It’s not long that God lets this go on.  Just a few days this time. He stops the music. He throws the monkey out. Baths me in His Word and the makeup and the lies, they start to melt away.  I look into the real mirror. The one that does not distort. It shows me my real flaws and tells me that can be fixed, they can be healed. It’s not the gray hair that matters, it’s the gray heart. It’s not the wrinkles around my eyes it the blinders I have on. He reminds me, I am loved. I am never alone. That if my worst fears were to ever happen, He would always be right there. He remembers me.  He stops the chaos and draws me in. Shhh… Be still He says. And I do. 

Tick Thump Tick Thump Tick Thump

I remember when I was pregnant the first time; all of the books I read and the classes I had gone to told me to be prepared. That at some point while giving birth there was going to come a moment where I‘d lose all inhibitions. My clothes may fall off and I may say things I would not usually say. There would be no pride.

I feel like someone should have warned me about this time in life. As a new chapter is taking place. The old me is falling off.  I am losing inhibitions. My pride is drifting away. I say things I would not have normally said. Like,” I love you. I am sorry. I can’t fix that. I don’t know. You are amazing.” I don’t feel the sadness or envy I use to have when I was around great people. Instead I find myself loving every moment of it. They teach me and I get to watch their shine instead of trying to steal it for myself.

As I get older the young me starts to slough away. A new me begins to emerge. I am starting to see me. Not the someone I wish I were but ME .

 It’s funny. The young me is still there inside. The girl that liked to sing and dance in the privacy of her own room. The strong willed nature loving girl. The girl who could eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting. I still love to get a new outfit for that “special occasion” Yet, the wrinkle in the middle of my forehead, the dimples in my legs, the large pores and the graying hair on my head leaves not much evidence that she ever existed.

Yet, if you checked my soul. If you could hear this heartbeat. You would realize that there is a renewing deep inside. There is a ticking, telling me that there isn’t time to waste. I have already let much go. I’ve carried a large load of baggage.  There have been missed opportunities. Mistakes that have been made that I may never be able to right. I have regrets and disappointments that tag along and heavy my soul. I have wasted too much time worrying and being anxious, envious, hurt. I could have used this time to LOVE more boldly. I could have lived so much more deeply. However, in these hard moments and regrets, I find blessings. I have learned much.

I vow until the day there is no longer a tick only a flat line, this heart will LOVE more boldly.  

How to finally be ENOUGH

It’s been two days of waking up to the LOST. It’s heavy as I open my eyes. The sun is peaking through the basement window and I already find myself grumbling. "The basement is so dark. If I just had more natural lighting this dark wouldn't be so heavy."

 

I know not to do it when I get out of bed but I do it any way. I turn on Instagram and start scrolling.

My soul is parched. I stop to make coffee and drink some water of the earth. My soul is calling me to bend and yet I stand at the window sill hoping to catch some sun on my face. I grind the coffee and continue to scroll. I see their faces, all these people living out their dreams. Doing what God called them to do. I grumble more. I beat myself up. I remind myself of all the things I had hoped were God’s will for me. I tell myself I will never be good enough. I remind myself of how I have not been able to attend a birth in the last year and I will never certify as a Doula. Besides I don’t think it's my “thing” anyway. I think of the blog post with the linkup that no one linked up to. I giggle a little. That must not be my “thing” either. I step on the scale and am reminded that I am much heavier then I was this time last year. I cringe at the thought of wearing a size bigger.  It’s a reminder that I am getting older and that some of dreams and goals have not been accomplished. I settle on the couch with coffee in hand and tell myself that I am an utter failure.

It is then that I finally give in to the yelling going on in my soul. “Bend, Misty. Kneel, Misty.” I do. "Shhh…" He says. “Whom are you trying to please? If it’s man then you will never be enough. Who are you trying to make followers of? You? Your blog? Or are you trying to make followers of ME? You have been seeking the approval from this world and in the process you are not clearly hearing my voice.” It’s true. I have become self-focused. Trying to be liked by others, I have tuned out the voice of God.

Like you, my heart craves to know that I matter. I want approval. The thing is we already have it. We are loved by God for who we already are. God, our Father, is perfectly and fully pleased with me. He is pleased with you…

My prayer this morning is that my mind will be transformed. That God will renew it. That I will accept that I am perfectly loved and that I am enough for HIM.

If you are struggling today with not being enough my prayer is for you to.

Shoot me a message so I can pray for you personally.

Wondering what God says about your value? Check out Isaiah 43:4; 43:1; 49;15-16; 1 Samuel 12:22; Luke 19:10; Titus 3:5-6

Attachment to stuff brings suffering

Growing up my step father was a business man. He owned a concrete company. As a grown up (and a Realtor) I understand what a rollercoaster the housing industry can be. Sometimes money was abundant and sometimes there was none.  He was the husband to my mother, who is a rollercoaster herself. Her drug addictions and brokenness caused a lot of havoc in our home. Some days I would come home from school to find our house tore apart and my mother nowhere to be found. Other times I would come home to gifts on my bed; clothing, perfume, books, cd’s anything my mother thought I would like. The home was cleaned and dinner on the stove. It was these times that I knew the world was “right”. Tonight I would sleep well because Momma was happy.

The last few years has taught me a lot about stuff, the importance of holding on and letting go. My journey through Ecclesiastes the last few weeks has been teaching me about the meaningless of so many things. One being stuff. Yes, again.

It’s been through these morning times I realized I am still attached to stuff. After all this time I still struggle with it. My eyes are never satisfied. My closet is never full enough. I want more and forget about all that I have. My view on stuff is distorted.

Gathering stuff makes me feel like everything is right in the world.

I realize cramming my day full of stuff to do and my closet full of clothing is not going to satisfy. It’s futile. Meaningless.

Unless my days are for God. Unless my stuff is for God. Than it’s all meaningless, a chasing after the wind. If the words of my mouth are not of encouragement and said in love, meaningless. If my work is for my advancement and the money used for more stuff, meaningless. If my time is spent coveting things on Pinterest and my eyes feasting on others’ lives on Facebook, meaningless.

My stuff is not what makes me. If I am only happy when I have stuff, then I feel good when I have it and horrible when I don’t. This makes life meaningless.

God does not look at me and see my stuff. He does not say “Well Misty that car you drive and those designer shoes you have on make you special. “  No, "God cares more about more character than my comfort" ~ Bryan Hurlbutt

 I have come to realize that if my bank account is full and the fridge is stuffed to the brim this does not mean that I have God’s approval. If I am lacking, this is not a sign of God’s disfavor.  

I am learning to be owned by nothing. I am learning to detach from this world and attach more and more each day to my Savior. Here is where I learn the secret to being content in any and every situation. {Philippians 4:12}

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Over the next year I will be working on letting go of more stuff.

·        Clothing. I will be going through the closet again. I have decided to lessen my footprint on this world. This year I will buy only second hand. That’s right. If I feel that something is really missing from my closet, I will be headed to Saver’s or the Goodwill. This helps local charities, supplies locals with jobs and lessens the landfills. It will make me second guess next time I see that sweet little shirt online.

·        Storage Units. The “big scare” made me second guess all of the stuff I have hoarded in a storage unit. If I can’t name what’s in there… I don’t need it. I will be going through these units and getting rid of the unnecessary.

·        Feasting my eyes. This December I took a break from Facebook and found myself on Pinterest… too much. Time limit. That’s how I will fix that.

·        My story. I am going to let my fingers flow more this year. I won’t be posting every time on Facebook. Just here on my little part of the web. Letting God redeem my ugly.

·        I am open to whatever God shares with my heart that needs to be given up.  

  Here is to a new year of letting go and detaching !

The Tease

"God's not a tease. That's not who He is" she says when she gets the news that the buyers of her house are being difficult... again. She reminds herself out loud of who God is and who he is not. This was good for me to hear. Sometimes I feel as though God teases me. 

The word says he does not tease.

Matthew 7:7-11.
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I like the way The Message states it :

Matthew 7:7-11The Message (MSG)

7-11 “Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

God doesn't play games.

 Perhaps he coaxes? As only a good teacher can. He puts us in environments that tease us out of our resistance. Out of our heartache. Out of our distrust. Then he gives us the resources we need to learn and grow. Out of our boxes. Into His Arms.  

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On a journey of learning who God REALLY is. Do you have distorted view about God? Do you KNOW Him for who he is? What was your journey like?