The Wall { Life the Endurance Race}

I have been on the Mountain for what seems to be a long time, I am tired. The temptation to return to the city is is high. If I hear one more word of discouragement and criticism I am going to blow. I am almost to the end of this part of the race. I just told God the other day I wanted to finish well. I am doing good, staying content, letting the words and set backs roll off my shoulders. Yet,  Satan has been firing arrows and they have really started to hurt. They are tearing me a part.

I try to remember he has no defense, I on the other hand do.

Then I hit a Wall.

In this Endurance Race we call Life we sometimes hit Walls. This week I hit a BIG one. I called it quits. I was done. I was relying on my own strength. At the end I was left tired and empty.

My mind was made up to quit. The thing about quitting is that it makes me sad, I will miss out. Miss out on what could have been. Miss out on the reward for all of the work already put in. At the moment though it seemed to be the easiest thing to do.

The wall is a real thing. In a running sense when you hit the wall your body runs out of carbs and hydration. The body wants to stop. In a spirit sense the wall is when you run out your own ability. Everything in you wants to stop. You guys. I was there. I was ready to quit a race that had brought me so much joy.

God was faithful... AGAIN! Just when I was through. I got a call from a friend. I had a long conversation with a woman I trust. I prayed with my sister from another mister. I got a post on my wall telling me I have been a blessing to someone I look up to. Then I talked to MountainMan till wee hours in the morning.

I assume this is how Moses felt on the Mountain. Tired with nothing left to give. Then God sent Aaron and Hur. They held him up so he could win the battle. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to my Aaron's and Hur's. I love you more then word's can express.

I can see clearly now..

Okay, I did it. I sought professional help.

When I walked into the doctor's office, the first thing I notice is how lovely the cream paint looks next to the stark white subway tiles. I will have to ask later just what that creamy yellow paint color is.  As I am setting there answering his questionnaire I realize that this has been a problem for a lot longer then I thought. I am marking YES more then I am NO.  Do I feel like life is hopeless? {Well I am hoping you could help me} Little interest or pleasure in doing things?{If by "things" you mean setting on my couch, in pj's for 3 days straight. Then NO I have a lot of interest in that} Irritability? Muscle tension? Your anxiety interfering with your daily life? Yes. Yes. Yes.

I come from a long line of "drama queen's". I am not an easy one to live with. I get it. I am driven and emotional. Sometimes I have breakdown's over the word avocado and other irrational things. I feel things deeply. Although, I  like to pretend like I am so tough. It is like I have an exoskeleton.Tough on the outside and mush on the inside. So granted, I wanted to chalk this up to the mush inside spilling out. Yet, this time it was different. I often struggled just to get through the day. When the sun went down  I would remind myself that I had done it, I got through!  I had to continually for months remind myself that tomorrow was a new day, new choices. When the mornings brought light to the room, it would not, could not bring light to my heart. The dread would set in deeper. The anxiety would start just as soon. It took all I had to pull myself out of bed.

I prayed. I begged. Make it leave. I had a thankful journal. I exercised. Got more sleep {more then probably needed} Took my vitamins. Had extra long quiet time. Memorized scripture. Got some sunshine and vitamin D. I tried hard to make this go away people. It wasn't that I didn't trust God enough. It wasn't that I didn't have a peace and know that God was with me. It just wasn't going away.

Then one day last week the dark got darker. NUMB. My give a damn broke. I couldn't see in front of me. I didn't know up from down or left from right.  There was nothing left. I questioned if this could be grief {Did you know it takes a full 2 years to even start to emerge from grief?}The anxiety was ruthless.

I have had this two other times in my life. Once when my first mountainboy was born and  it got so bad I thought alien's were coming to get my baby. Another time two years after my last mountainboy was born. The chemicals/hormones in my body were scrambled.

That's the problem again.

In the session with the doctor he explained. We all have fight or flight response. This is what keeps us out of trouble for the most part. Or propel's us forward into the fight. He reminded me that chronic stress takes a toll on the mind and body.  I was being depleted. So, on top of doing some more bibliotherapy and cognitive therapy, I am taking some meds. It could take 6  months to a year. In all honesty if it takes the rest of my life, I will do it. I don't want to go back to that dark.

I was hesitant to start taking pills. Hesitant to go to the doctor, because I knew this would be the solution. I have my own weird reason's as too why I don't want to take pills. My major fear was that I wouldn't be me. I want to feel things deeply. I want to ugly cry. I want to know when things should be stressed about and when I should let them go. I want to be sad and obsessed over people being oppressed.  I want to laugh until I cry. I want to notice the sunsets and my boys laughs. I want to enjoy being with my MountainMan. I want to be there for my fellow sisters who need an ear to hear them. I want to remember it all and I want to live it to the fullest. I believe this pill allows that. I feel more like me then I have in years. In fact I am not scared of myself anymore.

With that I give thanks to God for creating doctors and drugs. To find the doctor I went to was a holy intervention in itself.

There is a saying in recovery "we are only as sick as our secret's" I refuse to be sick any more.

All I ask of you is that if you see me, don't treat me any different. Love your neighbor, cause well most people are going through a hard battle. Maybe something you never would have even imagined.

If you are struggling in the same way, tell some one. Get some help. I would love to pray for you. Email me or private message me or comment. I would love to be praying right along side you. Because most people just need to be heard, I will listen. If your near, let's have coffee.

With lots of LOVE,

Throw Me A Line * warning* lot's. of. whining. attached.

I think I have lost it. Literally. My give a damn broke, some time last week in between the incompetent Realtor I was dealing with and the phone call to my mother. This is normal day to day things. Yet, I lost it. I was angry and resentful. And black hearted.

All of the other things I have stuffed deep down just came pouring out. All day Sunday I questioned if I was really a child of God. Experience tells me I have to go to the Word. What do you know. I didn't buck it. That is where I ran. Thankfully I was able to tuck that crazy back in.

But yesterday, I get a phone call that my moms back in the hospital. She was in the hospital with pneumonia over Christmas. Now she returns.  Guess who called to confirm she was in critical care? Lobster. Like it's no big deal that I didn't know where she was. This threw me into a tailspin. Spiraling deeper and darker. Anxiety over rode me. Full blown panic attack.

Later, I get an email about Kairos. I am in over my head people. I thought I would be finding this group of smart people a building. NOPE. Can't even do that. Really that's not my job at all. It's really to learn codes, rules and regulations and then meet all the states requirements to get this building up and running. Granted we actually find a building that will suit our needs at the price we can afford. Have I mentioned I need a rich uncle?

Just trying to leave.
 Low and behold something is stuck in the 4-wheelers tire

I am ready to move off this mountain. Nothing is easy here. NOTHING. Considering a maintenance free townhome. No dying animals. No dirt. No wood burning fireplace. Constant electricity. Something with lots of natural light. Somewhere I am not an hour and a half away from all important things. Fast internet. a place where I don't have to wear a tin hat just to get cell service.

I am left wondering if this shit will ever stop. Will I ever be able to focus again? The Word says refinement is for my own good. Well I must be pretty dirty. Because this washing over me is drowning me.

Someone throw me a line.

Presently sucking the life out of this scripture and trying to figure how it works. God knows
I am worn out.

Matthew 11:28-30

The Message (MSG)

28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”


----------------------------------

What do you do when enough feels like enough? I am thinking a trip to the doctor is in order.