The Wall { Life the Endurance Race}

I have been on the Mountain for what seems to be a long time, I am tired. The temptation to return to the city is is high. If I hear one more word of discouragement and criticism I am going to blow. I am almost to the end of this part of the race. I just told God the other day I wanted to finish well. I am doing good, staying content, letting the words and set backs roll off my shoulders. Yet,  Satan has been firing arrows and they have really started to hurt. They are tearing me a part.

I try to remember he has no defense, I on the other hand do.

Then I hit a Wall.

In this Endurance Race we call Life we sometimes hit Walls. This week I hit a BIG one. I called it quits. I was done. I was relying on my own strength. At the end I was left tired and empty.

My mind was made up to quit. The thing about quitting is that it makes me sad, I will miss out. Miss out on what could have been. Miss out on the reward for all of the work already put in. At the moment though it seemed to be the easiest thing to do.

The wall is a real thing. In a running sense when you hit the wall your body runs out of carbs and hydration. The body wants to stop. In a spirit sense the wall is when you run out your own ability. Everything in you wants to stop. You guys. I was there. I was ready to quit a race that had brought me so much joy.

God was faithful... AGAIN! Just when I was through. I got a call from a friend. I had a long conversation with a woman I trust. I prayed with my sister from another mister. I got a post on my wall telling me I have been a blessing to someone I look up to. Then I talked to MountainMan till wee hours in the morning.

I assume this is how Moses felt on the Mountain. Tired with nothing left to give. Then God sent Aaron and Hur. They held him up so he could win the battle. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to my Aaron's and Hur's. I love you more then word's can express.

House of Lies

I have a tendency to think I have no enemies. That I would never have a rival. That it’s just in my head. That my growing up makes me defensive. The truth is. I do have an enemy. I also have rivals. They do and say things on purpose to hurt me.

These years of looking in the right mirror has begun to show me truths about myself. In times when I am hurt I still find it hard to remember them. In the beginning I have a love for people. When they hurt me and they will, because they are sinners, just like me. I throw up walls. Quick. This defense mechanism, while trying to protect myself can be self-hurting as well.

I start to think in my head about all the things I am terrible at. I begin to hurt myself. The drunk monkey runs loose. It wreaks havoc in my head. She runs around and screams terrible things. “You are so ugly, inside and out. You are a terrible person. You are a hypocrite. God could never love someone like you. It’s your entire fault. Jeff is going to see what an ugly person you are eventually and he is going to leave. You are going to be alone and your children are going to hate you. You are going to be alone. You are ugly, Misty. You will never change. You are incompetent. Try as hard as you want it will never work out. You are stuck and will be for life. Stupid girl.”  I start to believe her. I can hear the carnival music in the back. The sinister lies swirling and circling. I can’t make it stop.

 If I could just get a glance at myself. If I could just remind myself of whom I really am.  I search for a mirror. A friend, Facebook, my children, the mirror in the bathroom, the clothes in my closet, my home. I start to stare at these distorted mirrors. Some make me look fat and short. Some make me look long and thin. Some show my best features. Some distort the legs of this journey. Some make the Body look disgusting. I lose hope. Some of the mirrors falsely make me feel like a super woman, I can do it all on my own. Day after day I keep running to these mirrors. Oh the house of mirrors. This world…

It’s not long before the fears start creeping in. The persona I have to keep up. The smiles I fake, the fakeup I paint on. The smile so large and the rosy cheeks. If I keep it up for too long my heart turns black and my teeth start to sharpen. The words that spill from tongue are ugly and poison. I want others to feel the same way. I draw them near and push them away at the same time. Look into my face. I give you gifts, which will soon pop. Reach for it, stretch for me. Tell me you love me.  These gifts I give you will fade. Look deep into my eyes and you will see these faces I paint on are just lies. I have become a clown in this world.

It’s not long that God lets this go on.  Just a few days this time. He stops the music. He throws the monkey out. Baths me in His Word and the makeup and the lies, they start to melt away.  I look into the real mirror. The one that does not distort. It shows me my real flaws and tells me that can be fixed, they can be healed. It’s not the gray hair that matters, it’s the gray heart. It’s not the wrinkles around my eyes it the blinders I have on. He reminds me, I am loved. I am never alone. That if my worst fears were to ever happen, He would always be right there. He remembers me.  He stops the chaos and draws me in. Shhh… Be still He says. And I do. 

How to finally be ENOUGH

It’s been two days of waking up to the LOST. It’s heavy as I open my eyes. The sun is peaking through the basement window and I already find myself grumbling. "The basement is so dark. If I just had more natural lighting this dark wouldn't be so heavy."

 

I know not to do it when I get out of bed but I do it any way. I turn on Instagram and start scrolling.

My soul is parched. I stop to make coffee and drink some water of the earth. My soul is calling me to bend and yet I stand at the window sill hoping to catch some sun on my face. I grind the coffee and continue to scroll. I see their faces, all these people living out their dreams. Doing what God called them to do. I grumble more. I beat myself up. I remind myself of all the things I had hoped were God’s will for me. I tell myself I will never be good enough. I remind myself of how I have not been able to attend a birth in the last year and I will never certify as a Doula. Besides I don’t think it's my “thing” anyway. I think of the blog post with the linkup that no one linked up to. I giggle a little. That must not be my “thing” either. I step on the scale and am reminded that I am much heavier then I was this time last year. I cringe at the thought of wearing a size bigger.  It’s a reminder that I am getting older and that some of dreams and goals have not been accomplished. I settle on the couch with coffee in hand and tell myself that I am an utter failure.

It is then that I finally give in to the yelling going on in my soul. “Bend, Misty. Kneel, Misty.” I do. "Shhh…" He says. “Whom are you trying to please? If it’s man then you will never be enough. Who are you trying to make followers of? You? Your blog? Or are you trying to make followers of ME? You have been seeking the approval from this world and in the process you are not clearly hearing my voice.” It’s true. I have become self-focused. Trying to be liked by others, I have tuned out the voice of God.

Like you, my heart craves to know that I matter. I want approval. The thing is we already have it. We are loved by God for who we already are. God, our Father, is perfectly and fully pleased with me. He is pleased with you…

My prayer this morning is that my mind will be transformed. That God will renew it. That I will accept that I am perfectly loved and that I am enough for HIM.

If you are struggling today with not being enough my prayer is for you to.

Shoot me a message so I can pray for you personally.

Wondering what God says about your value? Check out Isaiah 43:4; 43:1; 49;15-16; 1 Samuel 12:22; Luke 19:10; Titus 3:5-6