How to build a life {it's the little things)

Waiting for life to begin. Waiting to build what I always see in  my  head as life. Thinking it's out there. Somewhere in the near future. 

I've realized. Life doesn't begin when we move into our own home and off the Mountain, or when I finally figure out what I want to do when I grow up, or when we have finally paid the last payment on our debt or when I finally get to pull my belongings out of storage. Life is right now.

It is the thirteen year old venturing out after the school work has been down and comes back with a strange rock, muddy shoes and tales of wild animals he has been tracking. It is the MountainMan and I listening to one another retell the stories of our hearts, before the lights go out. It is the dog going to surgery to remove the cancer, the text from Momma saying the meds are working. It is the prayers on Monday morning. The coffee and Bible next to the fire. It is the warm breeze coming through the window. It is the foreign conversation with a child not born of me and yet we are raising him as our own. 

Life is rum and cherry Pepsi on the rocks in the evening. The whistling of MountainBoys. It is the sixteen year old starting the broken Bronco for the first time, worked on and fixed by him, his brother and father. Real life is hard conversations over the trailers dim lit kitchen table. It is the ache of being so sorry that I feel it in my bones and can't seem to make them see. It is knowing that sometimes a simple hug and love is much better than any advice I could ever give. Life is Monday morning prayer times. 

Life looks like the house that goes up for sale and ends with a new home, "the one"... I got to be apart of that life's adventure for them. Life is dinner at their place and dinner at our place. Life is the seven of us around a dinner table on Sunday, passing the mashed potatoes and hearing stories of alien ships and over thrown governments, as we have for nearly three years now. 

Life is listening to the same story being retold. It is the story they were afraid to tell you. It is the grace that is given, the mercy that is taken. Life is disappointment at the truth and yet working through it. It is listening. It is hearing. It is touch and boundaries. It is the smell of fresh cut grass and fresh mountain air. It is the taste of fresh baked break. It is the purr of a kitten. A surprise email from a long lost friend. It is saying I love you. Thank you.I believe in you. 

It's the unplanned pregnancy and the planned divorce. It is the school built for 200 girls.  It's the things that were never part of "the Plan" I have found not many things are. 

Life is right were we are at. It is built each day, each moment, each breath. The mistake is taking it for granted and thinking that life will happen when things are lined up just right. It's the little things that build a life. 

Tick Thump Tick Thump Tick Thump

I remember when I was pregnant the first time; all of the books I read and the classes I had gone to told me to be prepared. That at some point while giving birth there was going to come a moment where I‘d lose all inhibitions. My clothes may fall off and I may say things I would not usually say. There would be no pride.

I feel like someone should have warned me about this time in life. As a new chapter is taking place. The old me is falling off.  I am losing inhibitions. My pride is drifting away. I say things I would not have normally said. Like,” I love you. I am sorry. I can’t fix that. I don’t know. You are amazing.” I don’t feel the sadness or envy I use to have when I was around great people. Instead I find myself loving every moment of it. They teach me and I get to watch their shine instead of trying to steal it for myself.

As I get older the young me starts to slough away. A new me begins to emerge. I am starting to see me. Not the someone I wish I were but ME .

 It’s funny. The young me is still there inside. The girl that liked to sing and dance in the privacy of her own room. The strong willed nature loving girl. The girl who could eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting. I still love to get a new outfit for that “special occasion” Yet, the wrinkle in the middle of my forehead, the dimples in my legs, the large pores and the graying hair on my head leaves not much evidence that she ever existed.

Yet, if you checked my soul. If you could hear this heartbeat. You would realize that there is a renewing deep inside. There is a ticking, telling me that there isn’t time to waste. I have already let much go. I’ve carried a large load of baggage.  There have been missed opportunities. Mistakes that have been made that I may never be able to right. I have regrets and disappointments that tag along and heavy my soul. I have wasted too much time worrying and being anxious, envious, hurt. I could have used this time to LOVE more boldly. I could have lived so much more deeply. However, in these hard moments and regrets, I find blessings. I have learned much.

I vow until the day there is no longer a tick only a flat line, this heart will LOVE more boldly.  

Sharing is Caring

You guys I have a secret. I have to spill it's guts because it's overflowing. Each week I pin things to a board on my Pinterest  page that no one can see. Then I plan on sharing all of the goodies on Friday {I promise I do, I have the best intentions}. Then I do not make time for a consistent Friday Favorite post. The links are getting out of hand. I have to purge. They weigh on me. So, because I care about you, I am going to share all my hidden morsels.

I hope you enjoy! { some are old and some are new}

Who doesn't love Maroon 5? ~ PopSugar

I too have a lesson obsession  ~Chatting at the Sky

Just where does our fat go? ~LifeHack

100 years of beauty { girls we can be silly}~ Cut.com

What do you say to a hurting friend? ~Bronlea

Ouch!! I realized I sleep too much ~ Jen Thorn

Could you forgive? ~MSN {BTK Killer}

Former Stripper takes on a Sex Trafficker in the US {That's one bad chick}~ Fox News

Now you know and I feel so much better.

Friday Favorites (month of LOVE link up)

welcome to the "month of LOVE" challenge!  share with me what you did for LOVE and we can inspire each other!  i started this to go beyond just the norm in "loving" those around me.  i’d love for you to join me!

This week flew by. However, I accomplished 2.75 out of 5 of my goals. Kind of. Let me explain.

 1. I am going to make each of the boys their favorite meal this week. Hayden ~Teriyaki Salmon. Taylor ~ pulled pork sandwiches. Kolten~ Tacos. {Koltens dinner ended up being Meatball sandwiches. His other favorite} The lady upstairs made dinner the night I was making dinner for Hayden. {I didn't complain and let her LOVE on us}. We will have Chinese tonight for Hayden and Pulled pork sandwiches will be Sunday night. 

2. I am going to call my Grandma just to say "hi" She didn't answer. I left a message.

3.I am going to send a handwritten card to my aunt who lives far away from our family. This is in my purse. Mailing it today. 

4. I am going to give a hand written love note to my MountainMan when he gets home.  {TMI?} Does a text message count? 

5. I am going to mail a small gift to my SIL. She has been working so hard at school. A full time mother, job and getting a 3.9 in school is pretty amazing!! She deserves a little treat. She totally deserves a treat! I have not made time to put the gift together. 

Needless to say my goals did not get accomplished like I had hoped. I still have the weekend. Dinners will be made and gifts mailed.

{Don't forget about the link up at the bottom of the post. If you don't have a blog leave me a comment.Let's inspire one another.}

Speaking of the weekend. Here are some of my favorite links for your reading/ entertainment. 

This was my FAVORITE commercial from the Super Bowl. I had such a great time chatting it up with a friend at the Super Bowl party, I missed the commercials. I had to watch them on the web. 

I really LOVEd watching how fashion and hair styles have changed over the last 100 years. ~CUT.com

A new way to help out our schools ~ Schoola

LOVE sometimes looks like bunk beds ~ the Mangine Many

This link up party has me nervous. However, I feel like it's one step in the direction I am aiming for. Ready or not I am going to start paddling ~ Storyline, Shana Niequist

AND I have a give away at my FaceBoook page. Go "like" me.

DON'T FORGET TO LINK UP

An InLinkz Link-up

Month of LOVE {will you take my challenge?}

Here it is, already the 2nd day in February. Officially the month of LOVE.

 I know some people get so down because they don't have a Valentine. I am here to offer a solution. What if we made the month about giving LOVE instead of receiving? What if there were random acts of LOVE in our own homes and out in the world? Would you take the challenge?

Each Monday I am going to post 5 different acts of LOVE I am planning and then I will report back on Friday. Would  you link up with me or leave me a comment on Friday to tell me how you did? I would LOVE that!!

************ This week I am starting at home ***********

1. I am going to make each of the boys their favorite meal this week. Hayden ~Teriyaki Salmon. Taylor ~ pulled pork sandwiches. Kolten~ Tacos

2. I am going to call my Grandma just to say "hi"

3.I am going to send a handwritten card to my aunt who lives far away from our family.

4. I am going to give a hand written love note to my MountainMan when he gets home.  {TMI?}

5. I am going to mail a small gift to my SIL. She has been working so hard at school. A full time mother, job and getting a 3.9 in school is pretty amazing!! She deserves a little treat.

I can't wait to hear what you all do.

14 more sleeps

It's the same every year. MountainMan is gone for most of January. It's the same every year. I get lonely and thrown off schedule. Life is just not the same when MountainMan isn't home. I am a true mess.

Thank you for all you do for this little family. We miss you tons. XOXO

 Only 14 more sleeps!!

Strawberries on Poop

I just ate 4 balls of peanut butter coconut oil cookie dough. {say that with your mouth full} I am stuffing my emotions. Trying to keep my mouth shut. Pushing this nagging pain in the top of my throat down. It makes me gag. Makes my eyes water. My heart ache.

It's the nag to write.

 For months now I have shut down. Not published. Erased and ignored words that are biting at  my soul. Today I can't take it any longer. I am going to ease the pain. I am writing. I am praying. I am swallowing hard. Because I don't want to be divisive. I don't want to cause dissension. Instead what's happening is I am becoming disenchanted.

Events that have happened in the last few months, that have led up to some eye opening events in the last few weeks...  have left me shaking my head. Left me with my mouth pierced tight. My fists clenched. My heart aching. My mouth shut in the name of peace.

So, I will write today. Sleep on it. Publish tomorrow.

In hopes that the magic that was once there, can be revealed as just a hoax. A trick. Found out by the One who shines light on the liars. The fake and fraudulent.

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Once while moving, the fridge was unplugged. Everyone forgot about it and the food that sat inside. It was put away in a dark warm storage unit... for weeks.

The storage unit was opened one hot day and the stench that poured out was revolting. The owners were embarrassed and decided to get to the bottom of this smell. The woman ran to the store to get some cleaning supplies and strawberry room spray. The man decided to move some stuff around to make more room for the cleaning. He mapped it out and scheduled what they would do. Soon the woman returned with all the supplies and started to wipe down the floors and the doors. The man recommended which way to sweep and wipe. She told him to scrub on top of the fridge. They moved it to the other side of the unit.  They worked hours, checked off all of the to do's and decided they had done all they could do. The woman sprayed the strawberry spray and closed the door.

The next day... they came back to see if their hard work had paid off. As they walked up to the storage door, the stench stopped them in their tracks. They were incredibly embarrassed and insecure. The woman sprayed more strawberry spray... while the husband ran to get some signs to post on the property; telling everyone how great life was and is, how the kid's are doing great, the vacation was perfect and Jesus says love the widows and orphans. He found some clever ways to quote scriptures and told everyone to support the local charitable organization. The woman backed her husband and helped hang them all over the the storage unit. They left again thinking... "enough Jesus quotes and strawberry room spray should have everyone fooled enough to know that the stench was not coming from their unit."

The next day... the stench was smelled at the gate of the storage units. Neighbors were starting to get sick from the smell. The neighbors tried to talk to the man and woman about the rot in their fridge. They would not listen. The woman sprayed more strawberry room spray and left to buy a Mercedes to park in front of the unit. Maybe the neighbors wouldn't notice the stench if they were distracted by the beautiful car.

The next day... all of the neighbors were at the unit. A few had some really harsh things to say about the stench. Others were there with bleach and rags. They wanted the man and woman to know that if they opened up the unit and opened up the fridge, they would be there to help them clean the rot that had been building.

They opened the door... At first it was overwhelming. Those that were there for the show, left. Those that were there to point fingers, dwindled. Those that were there to spout harsh words, vanished. All that was left were those with the bleach and rags. They dug in. They didn't stop, until the rot was gone. They all gagged together and some vomited. In the end the heart of the stench was revealed, cleaned up. A community was built. Strawberry room spray was no longer needed. There was a refreshing clean smell that lingered. Nothing to be covered up.

We all have a stench that  we can't seem to get to the bottom of. We can pretend and wrap it up with pretty bows. Gift wrap in the best cars, gadgets, homes, work, titles, community service etc. In the end the strawberry spray is not going to cover it. Strawberries on Poop!

We need a Savior who reveals these rotting areas. Many times for me this has come in the form of community.  Not just any community. I have come to find that some are there just to laugh, point fingers, make you feel guilty. Some will NEVER get over your stench even after it is long gone. Some come to stay. Some come to help clean up the stench. Some come to help remind you how to keep it away.
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Love is Not...

Love is not fear she says in her text. I know this already. Yet, it is still convicting. (1 John 4:18)

I repeat what love is NOT often.  This is how I learn. I have to know the opposite. 

Love is not fear. Love is not hate. Love is not envy. Love is not boastful. Love is not greedy or self seeking. Love is not a bunch of worthless words. Love is not proud. Love is not angry. Love is not rude or slanderous. Love is not holding grudges or being bitter. Love sets us free, it does not enslave. Love is not malicious. Love is not manipulative.

These lessons in love have not come easy. I have made more mistakes then I have done right. I have wrote words I am not proud of. I have caused dissension and anger that some may never forgive. I have passed judgment. I have manipulated situations to work for my better. Always proud.

That is until Jesus crushed my heart. Opened my eyes and whispered to my soul.

Love right now is teaching me hard lessons. Pushing me to do hard things. To stretch. I am opening my gate a little more often and letting more in. It’s making my soul sore.

The absence of fear allows LOVE to be possible. Today I will be BRAVE leaning fully on the Spirit

I just want you to know... {YOU are worth it}

if you are reading this I just want you to know...

that you are strong, beautiful, and brave. that sometimes things seem so  impossible. miserable. a waste of time. they are not.

pause for minute and repeat after me.

YOU are worth it.

YOU can do it.

YOU are loved.

YOU are enough.

YOU have what it takes.

YOU deserve it.

YOU are amazing.

YOU are a gift.

yesterday you may have felt hopeless. today is a new day. new choices choose LOVE. for yourself.

 Linking up with Holley Gerth For some extra encouragement