I remember when I was pregnant the first time; all of the books I read and the classes I had gone to told me to be prepared. That at some point while giving birth there was going to come a moment where I‘d lose all inhibitions. My clothes may fall off and I may say things I would not usually say. There would be no pride.
I feel like someone should have warned me about this time in life. As a new chapter is taking place. The old me is falling off. I am losing inhibitions. My pride is drifting away. I say things I would not have normally said. Like,” I love you. I am sorry. I can’t fix that. I don’t know. You are amazing.” I don’t feel the sadness or envy I use to have when I was around great people. Instead I find myself loving every moment of it. They teach me and I get to watch their shine instead of trying to steal it for myself.
As I get older the young me starts to slough away. A new me begins to emerge. I am starting to see me. Not the someone I wish I were but ME .
It’s funny. The young me is still there inside. The girl that liked to sing and dance in the privacy of her own room. The strong willed nature loving girl. The girl who could eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting. I still love to get a new outfit for that “special occasion” Yet, the wrinkle in the middle of my forehead, the dimples in my legs, the large pores and the graying hair on my head leaves not much evidence that she ever existed.
Yet, if you checked my soul. If you could hear this heartbeat. You would realize that there is a renewing deep inside. There is a ticking, telling me that there isn’t time to waste. I have already let much go. I’ve carried a large load of baggage. There have been missed opportunities. Mistakes that have been made that I may never be able to right. I have regrets and disappointments that tag along and heavy my soul. I have wasted too much time worrying and being anxious, envious, hurt. I could have used this time to LOVE more boldly. I could have lived so much more deeply. However, in these hard moments and regrets, I find blessings. I have learned much.
I vow until the day there is no longer a tick only a flat line, this heart will LOVE more boldly.