I have a tendency to think I have no enemies. That I would never have a rival. That it’s just in my head. That my growing up makes me defensive. The truth is. I do have an enemy. I also have rivals. They do and say things on purpose to hurt me.
These years of looking in the right mirror has begun to show me truths about myself. In times when I am hurt I still find it hard to remember them. In the beginning I have a love for people. When they hurt me and they will, because they are sinners, just like me. I throw up walls. Quick. This defense mechanism, while trying to protect myself can be self-hurting as well.
I start to think in my head about all the things I am terrible at. I begin to hurt myself. The drunk monkey runs loose. It wreaks havoc in my head. She runs around and screams terrible things. “You are so ugly, inside and out. You are a terrible person. You are a hypocrite. God could never love someone like you. It’s your entire fault. Jeff is going to see what an ugly person you are eventually and he is going to leave. You are going to be alone and your children are going to hate you. You are going to be alone. You are ugly, Misty. You will never change. You are incompetent. Try as hard as you want it will never work out. You are stuck and will be for life. Stupid girl.” I start to believe her. I can hear the carnival music in the back. The sinister lies swirling and circling. I can’t make it stop.
If I could just get a glance at myself. If I could just remind myself of whom I really am. I search for a mirror. A friend, Facebook, my children, the mirror in the bathroom, the clothes in my closet, my home. I start to stare at these distorted mirrors. Some make me look fat and short. Some make me look long and thin. Some show my best features. Some distort the legs of this journey. Some make the Body look disgusting. I lose hope. Some of the mirrors falsely make me feel like a super woman, I can do it all on my own. Day after day I keep running to these mirrors. Oh the house of mirrors. This world…
It’s not long before the fears start creeping in. The persona I have to keep up. The smiles I fake, the fakeup I paint on. The smile so large and the rosy cheeks. If I keep it up for too long my heart turns black and my teeth start to sharpen. The words that spill from tongue are ugly and poison. I want others to feel the same way. I draw them near and push them away at the same time. Look into my face. I give you gifts, which will soon pop. Reach for it, stretch for me. Tell me you love me. These gifts I give you will fade. Look deep into my eyes and you will see these faces I paint on are just lies. I have become a clown in this world.
It’s not long that God lets this go on. Just a few days this time. He stops the music. He throws the monkey out. Baths me in His Word and the makeup and the lies, they start to melt away. I look into the real mirror. The one that does not distort. It shows me my real flaws and tells me that can be fixed, they can be healed. It’s not the gray hair that matters, it’s the gray heart. It’s not the wrinkles around my eyes it the blinders I have on. He reminds me, I am loved. I am never alone. That if my worst fears were to ever happen, He would always be right there. He remembers me. He stops the chaos and draws me in. Shhh… Be still He says. And I do.