Today. I was alone. For hours. By myself. It was just what I
needed. I cooked and cleaned and sang my heart out to old country. Don Williams.
Johnny Cash. Dolly Parton. It was bliss. That’s all about that.
My thoughts have really been turning to the inevitable
lately. Like Death and aging and change. It’s all inevitable.
Parents. Spouses. Friends. Pets. Relationships. Hopes.
Goals. Die. It’s so ugly and harsh and true.
I watched on Facebook this week as a friend mourned the
recent death of her father. She posted she felt numb. I wanted to tell her “it
all gets better.” Yet, I remember that feeling. Numb. Almost three years later,
when I think of Daddy. I smile. Yet, there is still this numb. It’s like… have
you ever had surgery and the surgeon cuts a nerve? They put it back together. It
heals. It is never really the same. When
you touch it, it’s still numb with a little bit of feeling. It’s the weirdest
feeling. That’s how I describe this numb. Life has been severed. Gone. The BEing slowly gets put back together. Yet, it’s never the same. It’s numb. When
you rub the old wound, there is feeling and yet no feeling. Yeah, that’s how I
feel about death right now. It strikes a numb nerve. It’s inevitable. That’s
all about that.
This week I ate really well. I went to the gym. I used the weights.
However, getting old is inevitable. Those pants won’t fit the same. Baggy eyes
in the morning after crying, is inevitable. Larger thighs and hanging stomach
fat. All of it, inevitable. I am getting old and will continue to do so. That’s all about that. because. well .TMI
I realized I am years away from being an empty nester. Year’s
people. Not a decade or close to two decades. YEARS!! I could cry crocodile tears but I cried them
all out last night. The oldest turned 16. How? When did this happen? He is
growing into an incredible man. I am literally shaking my head as I type this. Disbelief
that he is my child. I mean I have screwed up!! More than I would like to
admit. I have yelled. I have been selfish. Wait. I don’t want to admit anymore.
Yet, maybe that is the key. I admit it
to them when I screw up. So, I have apologized more than I would like to admit.
I have had to swallow the bitter pill of pride. These kids. They grew me up!! What
will I do when they are not here, under my roof? That’s all about that… for now
Here are some other things that are inevitable. Sunday is Bunday
for me. It just is. I can’t for the life of me do my hair on Sunday mornings.
When my heart is ugly and I am emotional, MountainMan will make me go on a walk.
In the dark. And I get grumpy. In turn it is inevitable that I then step into a
cold stream and the Fword will fly from my lips like butter. BUTTER I tell you.
It’s Inevitable.
It’s inevitable that
mud will be on my floor within seconds of mopping. Because no one around here
knows how to take off their shoes or wipe their feet {including me}.
Inevitable.
More inevitable you ask. Hurt. People hurt us. Church people hurt us. Family people hurt us. Friend people hurt us. Children hurt us. Spouse people hurt us. They just do.
They suck. They break promises. Tell your secrets. Cheat on you. Steal things
away from you. Yell at you. Call you names. Forget about you. Remind you that
you might NEVER EVER be enough. Become addicted to things that take them away
from you. Tell you they will do something and then do the opposite. They hurt
us. Life hurts us. Goals aren't met. Dreams are broken. Plot changes happen.
They do!! It’s called life. THE great adventure. It’s inevitable. Life and
people suck. Thank you SIN!!
NOTE TO SELF:
One more inevitable? You will die. One day YOU will stand before
your Maker. So stop being everyone else Holy Spirit. a.n.d. wear yoga pants. get a tattoo. pierce your septum. loose the weight. eat healthier. go back to school. say your sorry. tell her she is beautiful. tell him he is amazing. let them be kids. say yes more often. say no more often. tell that kid what to do because crying out loud YOU are the parent. For the LOVE people. LOVE PEOPLE!! LOVE yourself.
You want more? Jesus. Inevitable. He died for US!! All of us
UGLY Nasty Selfish LYING abusive sinners. Phew!! Thank you LORD. That your inevitable
sacrifice saved me from an inevitable fate of living apart from you. That would
be Hell. Thank you for inevitably standing by me. Never leaving me when I tried
to leave you. For telling me that you live. You love. You will always be there
for me. My God you were. My God you are. My God you will always be. Inevitably.
Love this! Definitely gets me thinking.
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