Ack! I could have a melt down

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Okay. So, I am not usually one for complaining. OR am I? who knows anymore. What I do know is... I am on the brink of a major melt down. OR Change. OR something. I feel it in my bones. I thought I had it all together until I was KICKED OUT of a closing this afternoon. Let's just say that is a first for me. Never. I repeat NEVER been kicked out of anything before. Not dance. When I was a mere kid and I could not keep the beat for the life of me. Not out of a classroom, for being unruly.  Not out of a bar in my wild and crazy 20's.  Not EVER. I am sure my client thinks I am a total nut job. The way I remember it. I was upset. Wanted to know why I didn't get  a decent courtesy call telling me the documents had not showed up yet. After the closing was put off this morning because of some freak accident that closed down the title company. Then for some reason the doc's never showed up. Then I drove 45 minutes to reach the title company all the while finding out my mother took a taxi home from the hospital because she could not wait for me and my CraZy job that is so very unpredictable. I know. I know. That was a run on sentence and had a million grammatical errors.  I learned all about that today while HOMESCHOOLING our two punks! Yep, that's right. Life isn't crazy enough, WE are homeschooling our children. Anyway I digress. Next thing I know the owner of GT Title services in Salt Lake City , Utah is in my face. While I sit on a couch he is leaning over me gritting his teeth and asking why he didn't get a courtesy call. Then I am  being shown the door. Seriously. Could life get  any more... WAIT. I take that back. I don't ask that anymore. God will show me just how fouled up it can get. Pause. Please. While I swallow a large amount of  The Show, Malbec style. I need it tonight. Lately, I am not sure if I am up or down. All I know is, I am crying and laughing and screaming and then or than whichever; spilling diesel fuel all over our brand new pergo flooring. Causing us that much more drama just to move to The Ranch. Come. on. already. Months of planning. remodeling. painting. getting rid of stuff. and now this. You say "poor baby. There are worse thing".  Don'tcha  know I know this already. AND there is SO much more to this story. Like my mother being admitted to ICU for pnemonia right after my father's death. AND the crazy relationship she is in. AND being executor of my father's stuff. But not really, because he never wrote it down. And more family drama then I could even dare to share.  Still I have not forgot the things God placed on my heart before he took my father. I think that is where I struggle as well. What to do with this sick, self centered  world. I try to do the right thing. I teach my children to do the right thing AND I keep getting screwed. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of being the one that says I am sorry. I am tired of being the peacemaker. I am tired of wondering just what God want's from me. Give me strength God. Cause I don't have it. Give me comfort because this bottle isn't providing it. Show me what you want from me.Because you know I  will do it. Just please. I beg you be evident. Cause, I am just not sure anymore. I need you to show me what it is you want from me. And for some crazy reason you call me into the mission field. Please! I pray, this blog post doesn't effect some visionary, world wide, gospel spreading ministry from accepting me because well, I am just too BROKEN!!

Okay. So, I am not usually one for complaining. OR am I? who knows anymore. What I do know is... I am on the brink of a major melt down. OR Change. OR something. I feel it in my bones. I thought I had it all together until I was KICKED OUT of a closing this afternoon. Let's just say that is a first for me. Never. I repeat NEVER been kicked out of anything before. Not dance. When I was a mere kid and I could not keep the beat for the life of me. Not out of a classroom, for being unruly.  Not out of a bar in my wild and crazy 20's.  Not EVER. I am sure my client thinks I am a total nut job. The way I remember it. I was upset. Wanted to know why I didn't get  a decent courtesy call telling me the documents had not showed up yet. After the closing was put off this morning because of some freak accident that closed down the title company. Then for some reason the doc's never showed up. Then I drove 45 minutes to reach the title company all the while finding out my mother took a taxi home from the hospital because she could not wait for me and my CraZy job that is so very unpredictable. I know. I know. That was a run on sentence and had a million grammatical errors.  I learned all about that today while HOMESCHOOLING our two punks! Yep, that's right. Life isn't crazy enough, WE are homeschooling our children. Anyway I digress. Next thing I know the owner of GT Title services in Salt Lake City , Utah is in my face. While I sit on a couch he is leaning over me gritting his teeth and asking why he didn't get a courtesy call. Then I am  being shown the door. Seriously. Could life get  any more... WAIT. I take that back. I don't ask that anymore. God will show me just how fouled up it can get. Pause. Please. While I swallow a large amount of  The Show, Malbec style. I need it tonight.


Lately, I am not sure if I am up or down. All I know is, I am crying and laughing and screaming and then or than whichever; spilling diesel fuel all over our brand new pergo flooring. Causing us that much more drama just to move to The Ranch. Come. on. already. Months of planning. remodeling. painting. getting rid of stuff. and now this. You say "poor baby. There are worse thing".  Don'tcha  know I know this already. AND there is SO much more to this story. Like my mother being admitted to ICU for pnemonia right after my father's death. AND the crazy relationship she is in. AND being executor of my father's stuff. But not really, because he never wrote it down. And more family drama then I could even dare to share.

 Still I have not forgot the things God placed on my heart before he took my father. I think that is where I struggle as well. What to do with this sick, self centered  world. I try to do the right thing. I teach my children to do the right thing AND I keep getting screwed. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of being the one that says I am sorry. I am tired of being the peacemaker. I am tired of wondering just what God want's from me. Give me strength God. Cause I don't have it. Give me comfort because this bottle isn't providing it. Show me what you want from me.Because you know I  will do it. Just please. I beg you be evident. Cause, I am just not sure anymore. I need you to show me what it is you want from me. And for some crazy reason you call me into the mission field. Please! I pray, this blog post doesn't effect some visionary, world wide, gospel spreading ministry from accepting me because well, I am just too BROKEN!!