Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I didn't know it would feel like this

It's hard to believe that it has been one week and one day since Daddy passed. My heart hurts. Physically. I am stuck in a daze and at times it is hard to breath. I am working a lot. Now is my busy season. Time passes quickly.

It's the moments like when I am searching past texts from just a week ago and I see the one marked "Daddy". My heart yanks out of my chest, my pulse races and I feel as though I may vomit. All I can do is just set and rock and cry the ugly cry. Daddy I miss you.

I didn't know it would feel like this.  Yet. I have hope. I weep a little differently then some one who does not. Yet. I weep. I am learning compassion faster then I ever thought. I use to not know what to say to someone who had just lost their loved one. I steered clear. Now I know. It's important to just let them know you are sorry. You love them. If they need ANYTHING you are there. They need you.

Through it all, I can't deny the many, many gifts my God has given me. The promises he has kept. He has stayed close to me. He has given me strength I had no idea I possessed. He has sent people to love me. To talk to me. To guide me.

God gave me a wonderful husband. A storybook husband. The prince who holds you up when you can't do it on your own. The man you dreamed of as a little girl.... Yeah, God gave me him. He has been amazing. Let me cry, scream, punch the jeans that Daddy would wear the next day in his grave, over and over again. He hasn't once said "that's enough. pull yourself together." he just let's me cry.

God gave me the gift of forgiveness. Daddy and I had a very rocky past. God redeemed me. He redeemed Daddy. He redeemed our relationship. He gave me the gift of time with Daddy. He let me see how my Daddy forgave. He never held a grudge. Just loved unconditionally. What a great legacy he left behind.

God gave me the gift of letting one of my best friends witness his coming to Christ. Then she reminded me how genuine it was. What a beautiful gift.

God gave me the gift of my very strong grandmother. Who sadly knows the in's and out's of a funeral.

God gave me phone calls after phone calls from my Dad's friends telling me just how much Daddy loved me.

God gave me salvation. He redeemed me. What a gift that I will see him again.

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