Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Identity Crisis

Okay. So you are going to click on the link. That's fine. I am probably going to get hate mail after you click on it.( LOVE mail would be good) The author is a lesbian. (Gasp) yep, this Christian reads blogs written by lesbians. I loved this picture and I had to give credit where credit was do. Besides her story mirrors mine in funny little ways. BUT that's  not what this post is about. Let's move on. 

1st order of business: My blog needs a new name. Any suggestions. It's in a bit of an identity crisis. You know  i·den·ti·ty cri·sis
    1. A period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society

    I am taking ideas. Submit them to me... who ever wins gets some STUFF from my basement... your choosing. Is that my first give away? Ha!!

2nd order of business: I am still struggling on how to put this journey into words. I had "lunch" with a friend yesterday. Really, I just chatted her ear off. I realized that I still have not wrapped my mind around  this journey and so at this point it's just a bunch of ramblings. I do have a point though.It was made really clear to me that others may have wrestled with this similar "Who Am I ?" question. I am going to share a little tid bit of how I am figuring out just "WHO" I am.

When I finally reached my breaking point almost a year ago; I begged God to change me. I begged with ugly tears, and a snotty nose for HIM to change me. I knew I was black hearted, dependent on STUFF. Hating people. Hating myself. I was tittering on an edge. I could feel something was changing and I was terrified. Everything I had built myself on was starting to crumble.  I ran to the only ROCK I knew. HIM. and I begged HIM to change me. I even told HIM he could break my knees if that's what it took. Just change me, cause I can't do it myself. I have tried. I would wake up and do my affirmations. I would tell myself that today "she" wasn't going to get to me. That today I was going to sell that house. That today was my day. Today I will forge my destiny. It didn't work. The doors kept closing and I kept getting worse. So, I begged. and HE heard my cry. He changed me and is still changing me. 

This changing thing is messy. I was a mess. Some-days more then others. For months, doors closed. For months, things were being revealed to me. For months, I felt lost. I told L.O.V.E. that I just didn't know who I was any more. I would search the internet asking "Who am I?" I pinned and facebooked looking for the answers. I made lists and checked them off. I cried. I hid. I cooked, a lot.

 Late one night I lay awake sobbing. WHO AM I?  If I am not an amazing wife, a dynamic Realtor, an incredible mother , a wonderful friend then who am I? If my clothes don't define me and my car means nothing. Who am I? If the education I have, the 1099 I claim, the letters and designations posted behind my name, the neighborhood I boast in... isn't me. Well, then WHO AM I?Can I tell you during this time I gained 15lbs and a bad case of adult acne. YEAH, just what a girl needs when she is feeling completely insecure. As I lay there sobbing it came to me. "Hey YOU!! You are MINE. You are a beautiful daughter of the KING."

That was it. I knew who I was. All of those clothes in the closet. Shoes on pegs.  All of the great wrapping paper, ribbons, home decor, fax machines, holiday decor, sewing machine and crafts setting in the basement. The money in my savings. The boxes of make up, hair extensions, false eyelashes, creams and waxes under the sink. Well that's NOT me. I am a DAUGHTER of the KING. So, are you (if you are a woman.) That's that. You are royalty. All of that great STUFF in the closet is just wonderful gifts from your Father. Enjoy them. He gave them to you. Just don't let it tell you who you are. 
Amen? Amen.

I am done rambling. I am still looking for a name. 

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