Saturday, May 30, 2015

Coming Undone

At about 1:00 everyone is made very aware Momma is coming undone. The ferocious sweeping. The banging of cupboards.  Lysol being sprayed here and there. Bar keeper’s friends is now Momma’s best friend. The boys leave to try out the new bow. This is the best decision they may have made all day.

*******

I have come Undone. I. Have. Had. It.  Angry beyond all get up that I am still here, dealing with the man upstairs {literally the man upstairs, not God} The beloved dog, Jack ,will be put down in just a few hours. His life no longer around, his bark no longer taunting us.  The boy that is mine, but not really mine, will be leaving in a few days. Off to do his thing. I know “his thing” is up to no good.  Lobster is off on another one of her bad choice adventures. Leaving the rest of us to put the pieces back together. One MountainBoy is STILL schooling {will he finish before the end of the school year?} another is SO loud I can barely think {or worry in my case}.

The text sends me over the edge. How could I even want to be associated with this, these people? This turn of events that affected everyone over a year ago is still brewing. Little by little, more is told. I can’t take it. I am DONE.

When I say DONE. I mean DONE. It hits me like a tidal wave, “I have a lot of poison in my life right now.” Poisonous thoughts floating around my head. Poisonous People I keep around in my FaceBook feed, on blog posts, in my phone, in my house. Poisonous food I keep putting in my mouth.

What else is there to do but purge? I throw it out. The food. The people. I start Undoing. Unfriending. Unfollowing. 

OUT! I scream. I am DONE. I hope you imagine a sweaty, dirty fool running around like a crazed woman. Throwing out garbage and swinging around vinegar based cleaners. She has done this before. Last time she realized the poison was in her cleaners and her stuff. She got rid of it.  Today she purges more.

By 3:30 I am calm. I have had it out with God. The boys have come back. The vet is ready to arrive any minute. It is then the truth really hits me. It’s FEAR. That’s my poison. FEAR. I have been covering my fear with my anger, my withdrawal and I am sad to admit it, my drinking. In my clutches of trying to control everything I have completely shut God out. Instead of turning and seeking a solution I have exacerbated the problems. I have allowed once again for anxiety to dominate my life.  My joy is sapped. My days are numb. I am petrified and paralyzed by my insecurities.

That’s the purge that needs to be done. I have to purge my fear.

You see this life is risky. Love is scary. There is no sure return on anything.  I choose to be forgiving I could have others not forgive me. I choose to be kind others may not be ask kind. My dreams may fall from the sky. Death is surely around the corner. However, I am told not to fear. “So don’t be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows.” Matt 10:31 NCV

I have a Savior who asks the good questions and provides the good answers “Why are you frightened? Why are your hearts filled with doubt?” Luke 24:38 NLT  Jesus said “Arise, and do not be afraid.” Matt 17:7

Today I will embolden my heart with a few Jesus statements about not being afraid. Because you know when we get rid of something… we always replace it. It’s up to us what we replace it with.

FEAR or Faith

DONE with Fear. I am UNafraid. 


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