You guys, I am suffering from a flare up. An Abandonment flare up. Events from the last few months have contributed. That last 30 days has me throwing up walls left and right. Events from this week have me running away, in my head.
It’s black and thick and ugly.
In January my word was KNOW, to KNOW God. To really know HIM has been my stretch. Of course he has not left me empty handed. He keeps showing himself to me. Healing me of my distortions.
This latest flare up hurts. Yet, I know it is Him ripping a band aid off this wound to let it heal.
I grew up with a Father who was “there” but not really there at all. He left when I was 5. I could write a book on the things that happened as a child. Let’s say I was not protected. I was not guarded. I felt like I was not good enough. The failure to be around was my fault. These things follow me as an adult.
God has healed so many wounds and relationships. Yet, this feeling of not ever being good enough= I will get left, is raw and sore.
I am waiting to be left.
I am waiting for God to leave me in the muck. To give up on this ugly sinner. To get wore out.
I am waiting for Him to leave.
Then I pour it out. Not expecting Him to answer. Expecting silence. Expecting to not connect. I am expecting to be left starving for his attention. And it’s a new morning and my prayers have been answered. Of course not in a way I would expect. It is better. There is a peace and a still.
It’s black and thick and ugly.
In January my word was KNOW, to KNOW God. To really know HIM has been my stretch. Of course he has not left me empty handed. He keeps showing himself to me. Healing me of my distortions.
This latest flare up hurts. Yet, I know it is Him ripping a band aid off this wound to let it heal.
I grew up with a Father who was “there” but not really there at all. He left when I was 5. I could write a book on the things that happened as a child. Let’s say I was not protected. I was not guarded. I felt like I was not good enough. The failure to be around was my fault. These things follow me as an adult.
God has healed so many wounds and relationships. Yet, this feeling of not ever being good enough= I will get left, is raw and sore.
I am waiting to be left.
I am waiting for God to leave me in the muck. To give up on this ugly sinner. To get wore out.
I am waiting for Him to leave.
Then I pour it out. Not expecting Him to answer. Expecting silence. Expecting to not connect. I am expecting to be left starving for his attention. And it’s a new morning and my prayers have been answered. Of course not in a way I would expect. It is better. There is a peace and a still.
Sometimes in these panics, I have to walk through the list of “what’s the worst thing that could happen and then..” God’s always at the end of the list. HE is always there.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you NOR ABANDON you." Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT
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