Monday, January 13, 2014

I can see clearly now..

Okay, I did it. I sought professional help.

When I walked into the doctor's office, the first thing I notice is how lovely the cream paint looks next to the stark white subway tiles. I will have to ask later just what that creamy yellow paint color is.  As I am setting there answering his questionnaire I realize that this has been a problem for a lot longer then I thought. I am marking YES more then I am NO.  Do I feel like life is hopeless? {Well I am hoping you could help me} Little interest or pleasure in doing things?{If by "things" you mean setting on my couch, in pj's for 3 days straight. Then NO I have a lot of interest in that} Irritability? Muscle tension? Your anxiety interfering with your daily life? Yes. Yes. Yes.

I come from a long line of "drama queen's". I am not an easy one to live with. I get it. I am driven and emotional. Sometimes I have breakdown's over the word avocado and other irrational things. I feel things deeply. Although, I  like to pretend like I am so tough. It is like I have an exoskeleton.Tough on the outside and mush on the inside. So granted, I wanted to chalk this up to the mush inside spilling out. Yet, this time it was different. I often struggled just to get through the day. When the sun went down  I would remind myself that I had done it, I got through!  I had to continually for months remind myself that tomorrow was a new day, new choices. When the mornings brought light to the room, it would not, could not bring light to my heart. The dread would set in deeper. The anxiety would start just as soon. It took all I had to pull myself out of bed.

I prayed. I begged. Make it leave. I had a thankful journal. I exercised. Got more sleep {more then probably needed} Took my vitamins. Had extra long quiet time. Memorized scripture. Got some sunshine and vitamin D. I tried hard to make this go away people. It wasn't that I didn't trust God enough. It wasn't that I didn't have a peace and know that God was with me. It just wasn't going away.

Then one day last week the dark got darker. NUMB. My give a damn broke. I couldn't see in front of me. I didn't know up from down or left from right.  There was nothing left. I questioned if this could be grief {Did you know it takes a full 2 years to even start to emerge from grief?}The anxiety was ruthless.

I have had this two other times in my life. Once when my first mountainboy was born and  it got so bad I thought alien's were coming to get my baby. Another time two years after my last mountainboy was born. The chemicals/hormones in my body were scrambled.

That's the problem again.

In the session with the doctor he explained. We all have fight or flight response. This is what keeps us out of trouble for the most part. Or propel's us forward into the fight. He reminded me that chronic stress takes a toll on the mind and body.  I was being depleted. So, on top of doing some more bibliotherapy and cognitive therapy, I am taking some meds. It could take 6  months to a year. In all honesty if it takes the rest of my life, I will do it. I don't want to go back to that dark.

I was hesitant to start taking pills. Hesitant to go to the doctor, because I knew this would be the solution. I have my own weird reason's as too why I don't want to take pills. My major fear was that I wouldn't be me. I want to feel things deeply. I want to ugly cry. I want to know when things should be stressed about and when I should let them go. I want to be sad and obsessed over people being oppressed.  I want to laugh until I cry. I want to notice the sunsets and my boys laughs. I want to enjoy being with my MountainMan. I want to be there for my fellow sisters who need an ear to hear them. I want to remember it all and I want to live it to the fullest. I believe this pill allows that. I feel more like me then I have in years. In fact I am not scared of myself anymore.

With that I give thanks to God for creating doctors and drugs. To find the doctor I went to was a holy intervention in itself.

There is a saying in recovery "we are only as sick as our secret's" I refuse to be sick any more.

All I ask of you is that if you see me, don't treat me any different. Love your neighbor, cause well most people are going through a hard battle. Maybe something you never would have even imagined.

If you are struggling in the same way, tell some one. Get some help. I would love to pray for you. Email me or private message me or comment. I would love to be praying right along side you. Because most people just need to be heard, I will listen. If your near, let's have coffee.

With lots of LOVE,


2 comments :

  1. I love this Misty. So well put. When you mentioned on Sunday that you went to the Dr. I may have looked confuse. You said you went to the Dr with a relief. I'm so glad you wrote this. I love the stepsyou have taken. I know that dark place. Thankfully, I'm not there today, but my heart hurts with you. I'm thankful along with you that you are doing better, & that you found some relief. You are loved. Thanks for writing.

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  2. Bren, Thank you for the encouragement on Sunday and today with your kind words. I know I am loved. One day at a time. I hope I too can say "I'm not there today".

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