Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Throw Me A Line * warning* lot's. of. whining. attached.

I think I have lost it. Literally. My give a damn broke, some time last week in between the incompetent Realtor I was dealing with and the phone call to my mother. This is normal day to day things. Yet, I lost it. I was angry and resentful. And black hearted.

All of the other things I have stuffed deep down just came pouring out. All day Sunday I questioned if I was really a child of God. Experience tells me I have to go to the Word. What do you know. I didn't buck it. That is where I ran. Thankfully I was able to tuck that crazy back in.

But yesterday, I get a phone call that my moms back in the hospital. She was in the hospital with pneumonia over Christmas. Now she returns.  Guess who called to confirm she was in critical care? Lobster. Like it's no big deal that I didn't know where she was. This threw me into a tailspin. Spiraling deeper and darker. Anxiety over rode me. Full blown panic attack.

Later, I get an email about Kairos. I am in over my head people. I thought I would be finding this group of smart people a building. NOPE. Can't even do that. Really that's not my job at all. It's really to learn codes, rules and regulations and then meet all the states requirements to get this building up and running. Granted we actually find a building that will suit our needs at the price we can afford. Have I mentioned I need a rich uncle?

Just trying to leave.
 Low and behold something is stuck in the 4-wheelers tire
I am ready to move off this mountain. Nothing is easy here. NOTHING. Considering a maintenance free townhome. No dying animals. No dirt. No wood burning fireplace. Constant electricity. Something with lots of natural light. Somewhere I am not an hour and a half away from all important things. Fast internet. a place where I don't have to wear a tin hat just to get cell service.

I am left wondering if this shit will ever stop. Will I ever be able to focus again? The Word says refinement is for my own good. Well I must be pretty dirty. Because this washing over me is drowning me.

Someone throw me a line.

Presently sucking the life out of this scripture and trying to figure how it works. God knows
I am worn out.

Matthew 11:28-30

The Message (MSG)
28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”


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What do you do when enough feels like enough? I am thinking a trip to the doctor is in order. 

2 comments :

  1. Misty-Your authenticity in your writing is a beautiful thing! Thank you for sharing about your hard day, and your mom in the hospital, and the immobilized 4-wheeler, but more importantly thank you for sharing about how you are clinging to the word of God to "keep the crazy in." I can relate to the feeling that your mind is going to split wide open, and then the anxiety and the darkness. I talked just a little about my own dealing with this in my end of the year post here: http://reflectinghisglory.com/thanks-2013/ I hope to read more of your encouraging words during the Coffee For The Heart link up this year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Please insert ugly cry here!! Thank you for your real. heartfelt. encouragement.

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